i should probably die

reasons i should die:
i'm good for nothing
everytime i tried my best i fail miserably
god probably has forsaken me
no one truly cares
no one bother to understand
sick and tired of humanities
in fact tired of everything
almost nothing to be thankful about
something happened as i was typing this proved that everything above is true

The angel's whispering..

time has gone in a flash.. too much have happened.. and here i stand at a place that i would never imagine myself to be standing at.. i've never thought that i will be doing this.. by well.. i guess life has its flow.. my life too.. where does mine flow..? i do not know.. all i know is.. i'm not gonna regret at following where it takes me..

as if yesterday's gentleness has not given me enough impact.. today i witness another miracle.. thunder storm was usually being associated with despair.. sadness.. hopelessness.. and all other negative emotions you can think of.. but there i was.. listening to a piece of beautiful music.. while thunders are roaring outside of the house..

suddenly.. thunders don't sound so scary anymore.. instead they brought out the determination in that music.. which they come so in sync together.. the magical moment of asking do you..? and i will answer.. i definitely do.. ever since that day.. i've never regreted for speaking out what my heart says.. and as the days pass by.. my will only grow stronger.. and i'll stand by to it until the day i die..

i'm grateful for what have happened.. even though there are times where i find it hard to go on.. they are what made me who i am now.. and from this point onwards.. i'm finally not alone.. i'm finally not afraid.. for only the darkest darkness can show how bright the light is.. it's time to fly.. with that pair of wings that will carry me..

we end up at the same place we started.. but each time we do.. it becomes more beautiful..

The lost of my beloved pendant..

i've been expecting this day.. although i've been preparing for this day.. i'm still sad.. damn sad.. so sad that my tears ran out.. i understand what's she's going through.. or maybe i don't coz she has said nothing to me.. but i'm more than willing to listen.. why has it come to a point where there's not even an explanation from her.. and we go from facing each other.. giving each other fist bumps to me looking at her leaving me..

she gave me so much fond memories.. the only one after so long that i feel i've nothing to be scared of when i'm being myself.. complaining about things.. doing all those childish stuffs.. but i guess it has all come to an end.. i know this day will come.. i know.. but.. why the hell is that i still cannot accept it..?

i know what i did was wrong.. i'll mend them.. but why..? at least talk to me.. let me know what are you thinking.. dun just throw me aside like this.. do you know how sad i am..? i just feel like running to the middle of the road and let a few cars bang me to death.. but i'm not gonna do that.. coz i know except your parents.. no one cares about you more than i do.. absolutely no one.. so i'll keep myself alive.. at least i can still care for you secretly..

i'm not sure whether it's self consoling.. but all i can make myself think now.. is that you are too troubled recently.. or you are too busy with school work.. it's ok.. i can live with it.. afterall i believe you.. therefore i'll not question you.. while i'm still waiting for you to come back as my dearest little sis.. i'll pay my debt of doing so many wrong things..

and i wonder.. is it possible for a person to cry to his own death..? if yes.. then i probably died a few times..

i took a stroll in the past.. and ask myself how did it end up like this..

The deep exhales..

2012 for me.. ended with a high note.. and i'm glad i spent the last day with all of my hopes for the future i'm designing.. throughout the day.. i've been seeing things i wanted to see.. taking care of each other.. looking out for each other.. crack mild jokes and having fun.. and we shared our darkest secrets.. to be honest.. it's like a dream come true.. they are the group.. the community.. and the people i hope to have with me..

but at the same time i'm wondering.. how long can this last..? eventually we are going to have different goals in our life.. eventually we are going to have our own family.. and eventually we'll go seperate ways.. i'm not trying to tie anyone down.. coz i know only by letting go.. can they fly higher and further.. there's no gathering without people leaving huh..?

i wonder if everything were to start all over again.. can i handle them with better ways and solutions.. they might not have performed to the standard i want.. they might have disappointed me greatly.. and they might have made me lose my hopes on them.. but they are just kids.. just coz they've hurt me doesn't give me the right to hurt them.. after long thoughts.. maybe what i've done to them is a big mistake.. maybe i should stop using brute forces.. and stop having the easy way out..

i might have survived through the rumoured apocalypse.. but with each year gone and pass by.. the more i realize how incompetant i really am.. i still have so much to learn.. so much to do.. so much things to make it right.. i got a long way ahead of me..

此曲长之路不见其终，需快马加鞭好取其峰

The glowing necklace..

today is 121212.. most people treat it as a day of confession.. i suppose it is to me too.. but not in a boy girl relationship kinda thing.. but deeper than that.. with deeper meaning.. it's like how you met something that caught your heart when you are in the midst of daily strolling.. plain simple.. exceptionally difficult.. and heart stoppingly special..

it's been a long time since i poured so much of my dark secrets out.. and we have so much in common.. the things we like.. the ways we behave.. and the thoughts we share.. they are so similar that it's almost unbelievable.. but i have to say that it's always this kinda special person that enter each different phrases of my life.. that guides me and pushes me to my limit even though i'm at the end of the cliff.. and coz of that.. i fly.. without realising i have the ability to do so..

but it's like what the chinese says.. there's no gathering without people leaving.. hard fucked truth huh..? i always know.. that what you gave out will never equate to what you get in return.. but somehow i will give away my everything.. everytime.. it's just the way i behave.. it's just the way i feel.. and it's just the way i believe that.. you need to answer to nothing except yourself.. as the saying goes.. live with no regrets.. dun left a space here and there.. and after you realized you could have done better.. all is gone.. nothing's left..

heartaches will happen.. but it will never stop me from improving.. i need a better me.. to protect the ones i love.. to take their hands and walk through the adversities.. while i shield away all unhappiness from them.. so stay behind my back.. while i force a way out for all of you..

acting stupid for the sake of one's smile.. is never stupid..

心如靖潭，灵如淳雪

i just came back from my oversea exercise.. and before i make a post about that.. i'm gonna make confessions.. to the girls that have been together with me for months.. and even weeks.. I hope this'll do something about the past keep coming back to haunt me..

to P: i wanna say sorry to you.. i lied to you.. i didn't give you a sense of familiarity.. i didn't talk to you much when we were together.. and sorry for tons of other things.. yes we were too young at that point of time.. and i'm too scared to lose this relationship.. but still i dun think it's an excuse for me.. even though it was the first relationship i ever had.. i'm glad we became good friends after we broke up for two years.. and even though we stopped contacting after i went nafa.. i still miss you once in a while.. I still remember that i once felt inferior to you.. like being unable to take care of you that kinda thing.. but i guess it's all in the mind.. and how well you adapt to it.. so thank you.. it was a sweet and memorable first love.. it taught me a lot of things..

to N: i'm not sure whether telling you this is a good thing.. but i'm gonna say this anyway.. it's a confession after all.. that if you were to ask me to be together with you right now.. you are the one.. and only one.. that i would say "yes" without hestation.. we broke up coz you wanted to focus on studies.. well that's what you said any way.. but from that day until now i still didn't believe the reason you gave.. it's most probably that you didn't like me anymore.. and that you are too kind to tell me the truth.. at least that's what i've been telling myself.. so i can get over it as fast as i can.. after all i did broke down after reading the letter you gave me before you left.. thinking back.. what brought us together was probably the instrumental album that i borrowed from you.. and i'm still listening to them until now.. and maybe more years to come.. and i'll never forget about the diary you gave me.. that was recorded with your feelings for me before we even got together.. i cried after reading it.. coz i was really touched by it.. now that you have a boyfriend.. I wish you all the best.. and whenever i'm single and available.. i'll take you without questions if you come to me..

to R: i wanna thank you for loving me dearly.. and that was why i decided to be with you.. coz i was touched by your sincerity.. and yes.. i know you liked me before we even got together.. coz i was reading your blog all those while.. but what comes after that was probably too much for me to handle.. I know you are kind.. but just a that bit angsty.. and all the attention and the pampering you need.. i guess i need to be with someone i really like.. and not be with someone with only gratitude that i'm feeling inside.. for that i'm sorry.. that i wasted your precious time.. and broke your fragile heart for almost two years.. or maybe more than that.. and i wanna thank you too.. for letting me to understand myself more.. about what i want..

to H: this was probably the most epic relationship i had.. coz of its complexity.. just to keep it short.. i liked you.. and i'm serious.. if it's not him who grabbed hold of my tails and keep on attacking with both truths and lies.. we would probably still be together right now.. but it doesn't matter already.. since we from best friends become a couple.. and from there we become strangers.. there's a part of me that wanted to keep in contact with you.. but i just can't.. natural reactions make me avoid your presence.. it's probably due to being guilty i guess.. and of coz ego.. so many apologies i wanna make.. but i guess it was all too late.. but i'm glad you have a loving boyfriend now.. you've got enough scars from all the past relationships.. including ours..

to G: i dunno where to start.. coz our relationship is ridiculous.. we can't communicate.. we dun have the same wavelength.. everything is just wrong.. we are simply not compatible i guess.. but still.. you made me realize a lot of things.. like how communication is important.. how finding a common interest and topic is important and all.. so thank you.. for waking me up and stopped me from being my outrageous self..

to Y: i once thought you are gonna be the one.. but apparently i was so wrong that.. i couldn't even laugh at this terrible joke.. you were too childish.. and i was too ambitious.. we started out okay.. i guess maybe it's just the starting that's why we kinda take a step back and only choose to look at the beautiful things.. but after three months.. everything changed.. i know girls want attention.. which i have been trying to give.. but that was a bit too much.. so much that i had to say that was the worse five months of my life up til now.. everyday we'll argue.. everyday we'll be upset abt our indifferences.. but i'm glad it's all through.. coz i do not have to deal with your revengeful character ever again..

alright i'm done.. and i hope this does something.. afterall.. these words has been in my heart for a very long time..

"forever" only stands valid when you don't change at all..

Little tweety..

been five months since i came here.. life's been.. not so good.. due to army.. and negative feedbacks from recent performance.. and other personal issues.. and everything just made me wanna get out of army as fast as possible.. so i have time for things i wanna do.. and be there for someone when i'm needed..


it's been ten years.. still i never dare to look at myself performing.. and not even once where i think i'm good.. i wonder when can i live up to my own standard.. ten years of experience in dancing..? i'm a joke seriously..


and i miss that little sis of mine.. i wonder how is she doing.. but everytime i feel like giving her a text and talk to her.. somehow i feel i'm a nuisance.. oh yes she's my sister in name.. but who am i to intervene with her life..? and she's probably giving her best to study now.. so i shouldn't distract her.. probably..


maybe this is why.. coz we are all hiding.. feelings.. ourselves.. whatsoever.. perhaps there can be no day where we are truly honest.. coz of the unknown.. undetermined.. and uncertainties..


but anyway.. i love the flower that she gave me.. that sincerity remains even though flower dies.. 


i'm not making sense at all.. urgh.. probably coz i'm having a slight flu right now.. speedy recovery me.. and speedy ord me..

we all seem logical.. but then again.. there's the emotional side..

Stars and moon, hear my praying..

this year is the 10th year i've been venturing into the world of dance.. and the 6th year i've been teaching the young dancers.. from a kid.. to someone who loves to dance.. to someone who wants to dance professionally.. then to someone who wants to contribute to the dance society.. time flew by real fast.. and i've grown at an incredibly fast pace..

to be honest.. i've been shaken by the reality for several times.. but i wonder.. what is it that makes me hold on to it for so long..? and after all these years.. i've got my answer.. it's the children..

teaching has never been an easy task.. but i fought my way through here by "just do it" kinda mentality.. without anyone helping me.. telling me what's the right way or a better way to teach..

sometimes i do screw up.. big time.. but i've never stopped to improve myself further.. what's more rewarding is to see the children.. from someone who knows nuts about dancing.. they become someone who understands the spirit of dancing.. and from there.. they proceed on with their own life with those knowledge.. and become a better person..

having taught six batches of juniors.. i really have to say i'm most satisfied at the current batch.. perhaps it's my fault for not growing up fast.. so that the previous batch could be as good as them.. but the current batch is the only batch that understands my logic.. my way of doing things.. and most importantly.. what i'm trying to put across to them.. that dance is related to life.. even though they might not understand from the beginning..

i've given them unreasonable requests.. one of it is to write me essays and reflections.. and i knew how hard it would be for them to achieve what i want at their current level.. but they did it anyway.. and they did it perfectly.. they got my message and from there.. they will excel and pass down whatever they have to the next generation..

seeing the new bloods shine has never failed to drive me.. it drives me to become a better person.. a better leader.. a better teacher.. and be better at what i already did my best.. and this year.. will be a benchmark.. a checkpoint for me to remember always.. that i once succeeded in bringing up a group of kids and have to continue at what i'm doing.. i sincerely thank all of them.. for setting up some fireworks in my dance journey..

with you.. i fly the highest.. with it.. i dive the lowest.. with everything.. i can go everywhere

The heart that sings..

time for a little update.. been so long since i have anything to write about.. one thing i really wanna talk about is that i had a good start of december.. although things didn't really go the way i imagined they would be.. but hey.. at least they went as i planned.. which is good enough i guess..

to top that off.. i got myself a little sister.. it's not that kinda.. you know.. child play during our teenage life where everyone just start calling each other mother father brother and all sorts of crazy addresses.. it's.. kinda lame.. at least to me.. coz i had a lot of "sisters" and "brothers" before.. and as time goes by we just don't contact each other anymore.. except for the only few who i took the initiative to contact..

so this time round.. i hope to make it more significant.. and.. how do i say it..? more dependable i think..? coz this little girl is the first person ever made me feel that she'll make it.. not that i've never met anyone who can make it before.. but there are just something about her that are different from others.. and so it sparks me to make this decision.. so yup.. i've done it.. and now that she's my little sister.. no matter what she does.. where she is.. she'll always be my little sister.. there's no doubt about it..

somehow i think this affection in me is acting up again.. after so long.. but i guess i can control it now that i'm feeling a little bit different than before.. it's something hard to explain.. i think my friends who have been around me for quite some time can feel the change in me.. ever since i came back from resting coz of my knee injury..

and i need to buck up already.. those wasted time in army made me lose out so much to others that i can barely catch up.. and i also need to cut down on food and drinks intake now that i've not been exercising so much like before.. i need to think of ways to make full use of my time.. and transform myself within these two years so i'm ready to tackle what's to come..

so all in all.. a good start of the month.. and i hope this month will mark a good end to the year..

it is a dream.. yes.. a dream waiting to be realized..

The shattered glass..

have you ever wonder what would happen if you ever lost your memories? i did.. and it all begins when i was sitting by the side watching my friends playing games.. and i start to question myself.. what if the ball hit something above me and it hit my head? and thus a series of unfortunate events happened..

it's scary.. and stressful.. scary in the sense that i'm suddenly thrown into a world of strangers.. a world i know nothing about.. i forgot my love ones.. my ambitions.. my goals.. my everything.. and that.. is a real loneliness.. a total solitude..

although those who cared for you will still help you to try to remember everything.. that's where the stress comes in.. what if i can't remember anything? even if i've seen everything that i "left behind".. my letters.. my gifts.. my belonging.. what if they've done their best but to no avail? they'll start to break down.. and the only thing i can do.. is to apologise for something i have no control with..

suddenly.. i feel all so lucky that i kept a blog alive.. even though there are times when i don't update at all.. but there are still something that i can keep track of.. i don't ever wanna be alone again.. i don't ever wanna feel sorry to those i've let down.. and i don't ever wanna lose my memories..

chaos always happen at where appears to be the most peaceful..

Raining as I'm breaking..

yesterday night just after i had a workout.. i received a really bad news.. although i kinda got prepared for it.. i don't know whether i should be happy about it.. coz everything negative just seems to happen one by one as i predicted.. but whatever is the case.. i got it prepared and i got myself a solution.. so let's hope everything will work out..

thinking deeper.. i start to question myself.. am i ready? do i really understand everything? can my insufficient knowledge be convincing? it's the world i'm dealing with and i can't afford a mistake.. coz it will make me lose something that i've been finding for the past few years: a suitable candidate for a greater purpose i've been planning for three years..

am i doubting myself? no.. i can't doubt myself.. it makes me lose my cool.. i guess i just have to give it a try.. no.. not a try.. i must give it my all to make sure it works.. no mistake.. no uncertainties.. no left over problems..

i'm still not happy how all the negative things all happens like what i predicted.. has the world fallen so low? so much that a mere 23 year old young adult can know what happens next.. there's gotta be a way to change this around.. and i shall find it..

in the end.. we are all the same.. it's just the ideal that make us different

Gone were the days..

my bmt life is coming to an end.. i would probably miss that place.. but i wouldn't ever wanna go back again.. i seriously don't like how the people in there treats us as a kind.. although i wouldn't say NS is a waste of time.. it certainly doesn't make full use of the time either..

i recently felt that i've reached a whole new level.. it's strange.. it's so unfamiliar.. but it's so powerful.. something that is so within that i can't explain.. things that used to bug me for a very long time just.. i don't know.. disintegrate? it's like a protection layer around me.. i haven't figure out how much i've grown.. but i'll certainly make full use of the things i gained..

you know.. having defeated for don't-know-how-many-times in the past.. i'm getting really tired.. especially the year before last year and the first half of last year.. which is a goddamn disaster.. nothing goes my way.. everything just rejects me.. i can only hide somewhere to try to avoid.. but i soon learnt that it's not gonna change anything.. probably i have to make the first step.. a very big step.. like over-the-drain that kind.. to make a 180 degrees change.. and i kinda glad i did..

i always believe that if you wanna change something.. you have to change yourself first.. and this change that i've made.. really changed me.. on how i see things.. on how i see myself.. on how i behave.. my whole being.. literally..

this protection layer around me.. i hope i can have the ability to pass it to everyone i wanna protect.. afterall.. they are probably the only reason how i obtained it..

heaven cries.. but do you know he cries for utter happiness too?

All-ready..

there are times in life where you just feel like giving up.. especially when you just can't continue anymore.. be it the lack of reason.. the lack of strength.. or anything along the line.. but it seems that i've past that stage..

whenever i feel like giving up.. whenever i feel like slacking off.. whenever i feel like not doing anything.. it's their faces that appear before me.. and that makes me recall my ambitions.. my dreams.. my desires.. again and again.. which then gives me strength to fight on.. and reasons to fight for..

i'm so glad that i've adjusted the way i think so that i don't feel lonely anymore.. coz i trust them.. coz i believe them.. i know they are in their own way.. doing their best.. therefore i have to do my best too.. i have to work even harder.. so i can protect them.. and to answer to the future i'm gonna create along with them..

looking back the old me.. it's just amazing.. how much i've gone through.. and the me right now.. surging with power.. all ready for what's to come and go.. maybe i might feel even greater in the future.. but i know i'm at my best right now..

"I have people to protect, I have reasons to fight for, and I have a future to answer to. So come what may, life, your challenge is accepted."

you might see many people following me.. but i feel them supporting me instead..

Fly to the stars far away..

long time since i last post.. kinda lost touch to writing.. life wasn't going really well.. but at least manageable.. have too many secrets to carry that i have to unload it.. but there's nowhere to let me dump them.. so i guess i hafta keep them for a while longer..

oh wow.. i don't know what to write at all.. all thanks to blogger's messed up html code.. that i can't do my usual formatting until now.. felt rather happy after fixing it..

alright.. too many thoughts in my mind right now that i don't know which to start first.. i guess i'll have to wait for the next time when i'm inpired.. yea i know.. it doesn't happen very often.. but i'll try my best.. and i've just uploaded four new music to share.. my current favorite..

and oh.. i broke one of my new year resolution already.. how fast.. tsk..

the sweetest moment.. the saddest frame..

A new year not so new..

long awaited post here.. haven't had any inspiration or mood to write anything.. but well.. let's just say i'm going well with life.. not much things went against me and stuff.. unlike last year which is really.. indescribably bad for me..

not too sure about what's coming.. but while it's coming.. i might as well be accepting.. for whatever that is to come..

haven't had one before.. but i think i need it to organize myself.. so here's my new year resolution and wishlist:

Finished the sem without too much trouble
$3000 in bank
NGP if it comes this year-end
New PS3
A sofa bed to replace my original one
Repackage myself (which includes toning up)
Don't ever do things last minute again

now that i look at it.. i guess i need lotsa money for this year.. oh well.. and this chinese new year doesn't have any new-year-feel at all.. i really wonder.. hmm..

the world is improving.. so should you..

Transparent..

and it happened again.. the time when i get emotional for no reason.. suddenly i feel so weak.. suddenly i feel so useless.. and suddenly i feel that i can't hold on anymore.. i feel so uneasy when so many people are around.. i feel like a scared child.. it's just so.. indescribably uncomfortable..

and i just thought to myself.. why bother..? no one's gonna care.. you've been too strong for anyone to care about you.. so stfu..

and this is my shortest post ever..

it's so sad.. that my tears ran out..

Once again..

there're both sides to everything.. perhaps hardships are good.. and perhaps praising is bad.. given the validity of my first sentence.. but i think what matters most is the coming back.. the more we got criticized.. the stronger we are.. and the better we become.. this is what it takes to be an artist.. you dare to say what you will.. and you dare to take what comes back..

happiness and sadness are always just a momentary choice.. yet they complement each other in the law of opposition.. come to think of it.. seriously.. whatever emotion it is.. it ends up hurting ourselves one way or another.. but the most important thing is the drive that keeps you going.. the force to bounce back after each falls.. and the will that surpasses all wounds and pains..

disappointments are everywhere.. if you seriously think about it.. but on the lighter note.. we can always learn to not repeat the disappointment.. that's how we improve.. that's how we discipline ourselves.. and that's how we rise to the top..

but that's where the contradiction comes in.. people dislikes competitions.. they are tired of it.. they wanna have fun.. they wanna be happy.. it is understandable.. who doesn't wanna be happy..? it's just that everyone's happiness lies in different thing.. some finds happiness in a simple life.. and some finds happiness in creating happiness.. it was never about how the crowd goes or living up to others' expectation.. it's about what you want for yourself.. which ironically.. is hard to decide for most..

art for one thing.. is working under restriction.. just as life does.. and there're so much to learn in life.. just as art does.. all in all.. i guess living in the world itself is a kind of art.. isn't it..?

it's the interest that got me started.. and it's the love that got me going..

The vast sea..

been really busy.. had a break down a few days ago.. but come to think of it.. it wasn't that bad after all.. and well.. that's what education is about isn't it..? so yup.. they just need someone to teach them since they hardly had any..

everyone is tired about everything.. and yea i know that.. but perhaps just a little more effort from everyone of being thoughtful could have made a big difference.. as all the small insignificant adds up.. they become something with big significance..

i wouldn't say life is difficult.. just that there're lots of stages to conquer.. maybe it's coz people tends to take right and wrong too hard that they couldn't accept defeats and criticism.. but what's the big deal..? it was never about right and wrong anyway.. it's about bringing out the best in you while making all the wrong turns and learn from it.. at least that's what i believe..

life should be meaningful.. by doing something that you like and contributes.. perhaps a fast progression is good.. but for a more serious matter.. i think that causes us to live for the sake of living.. just like in school.. you only learn to score.. but not learn to know.. everything now is about statistic.. progression.. ahead of others and whatnot.. and what happens to living to appreciate..? it dies down..

we need something better than that.. and that.. is to strive for excellence in everything we do.. and slowly.. success will catch you up in no time..

the challenge from within.. the battle against yourself.. win it.. and the greater height awaits..

Wind can't stop..

my life was filled with angers.. frustrations.. sadness.. heartaches.. vexes.. helplessness.. emptiness.. hates.. loneliness.. sulks.. and.. you know.. all the negative things you can think of.. i recently made a formspring account and then there's this option where you can generate a question to answer by yourself.. and so i tried it and the very first question i was asked is "What was the happiest moment in your life?".. to be honest.. i really can't think of anything to be happy about..

i've knew it all along and therefore i tried to change.. and during the process i still encounter the same thing.. anger.. frustration.. and blah blah blacksheeps.. it's only until recently.. that i think i finally get to know how to be a bit more happy.. and that is to believe.. and i was talking to one of my juniors on the net the other day and she said that was the first time i'm not being cold to her..

i kept on changing for the better.. i was so unapproachable.. it got a bit better.. it was damn hard to open my mouth to talk to others.. it's definitely improving coz all my troupe mates are more willing to talk to me after i came back.. maybe the only thing that i can't do now.. is to open up to others..

i totally don't get how other people can just share their problems like there's no tomorrow.. i wanted to stay strong.. i wanted to let other people know that i'm reliable when they are in need to me.. but as the process of doing so includes bottling up your own feelings.. everything just shows how weak i am.. how i wish to be the youngest in the group again to be pampered.. to be dote on and all..

i hardly dream.. but just a few days ago i had this dream.. and in the dream i felt so lonely.. that i cried.. and i woke up in tears.. and i think that's the only dream that i'll ever remember because it strucks me so hard.. coz i thought i could be strong enough to carry my own burdens.. but apparently it's not.. there are just some things in a person that others won't be able to understand.. no matter they are your friends.. your companion.. your parents.. whoever it is..

you know.. having reach this stage of life and achievements.. i shouldn't be complaining about all these anymore.. like what my father says.. i'm a person with big dreams and visions.. i have to be able to carry my own burdens and sometimes even other people's as well.. but.. i think i still have a long way to go..

all i can say is.. because you don't know what it means to me.. it's just so true that this sentence will forever stay in my mind and reminds me to learn.. to be able to understand what this particular thing means for others.. i.. will start to change everything by first changing myself.. i really need to improve myself to be much better in three years.. three years..

ok i just realise that self encouraging and self bashing doesn't at all helps with me being sad.. blogging is the way to go.. and i hope the effect stays longer..

sure i'm crazy.. but that doesn't mean i'm wrong..

Seriously..

you know.. we are always in the situation where one thing comes after one another when the previous one just ended.. it’s too tiring.. but it’s too satisfying..

it’s always about the mentality of how you see things.. some people will feel happy when they did it.. while others will say like oh at least we got it.. but still i believe that spreading the positive around will help us to stay together..

although i kinda know what’s gonna happen at year end.. no matter it’s gonna happen or not.. that’s why my project must work.. my project has to work.. and it’s gonna work.. coz i believe in it and all the other people that inspire me to do it..

well i guess the very first thing i’ve gotta do is to make the first step and be proactive.. i can’t wait anymore.. there’s no time coz of that stupid ns.. if not i would have like 2 more years to get prepared and launch execution.. i need leaders.. i need someone who can take over my place.. and apparently there hasn’t been a suitable candidate..

the problems of having youngsters is that they are already gone just when their thinking have matured.. and those who stayed on are the immatured ones.. not that i’m complaining.. but well i guess it’s really important to make everyone stay on so we can grow and mature together rather than leaving one by one.. and also to pass on the knowledge to the kids so they can take over us..

i need people who can teach them the right things.. but i guess i’ll start with myself first.. alright.. that’s the plan.. sounds good but dangerous too.. but that’s what makes life interesting..

education.. no effort from you.. no change in them..

iThink..

tell me why?

i thought i've overcome the fact that no one will understand me.. but somehow i just felt an urge to talk to someone.. and then.. i realise that there's no one whom i can talk to.. there are just certain things in everyone that others don't understand what he or she is going through.. maybe that's why..

well in the first place i should have blamed myself for making myself so complicated for others to understand.. i too hope that i can be simple.. easy-going.. communicatable.. but there are just some self-demands that i can't put down.. which made people around unhappy? feel helpless towards me? or maybe even hated me for being like this..

but whenever i'm in doubt of myself or whatever it is.. i always tell myself to stop dwelling into it and go on to do some other things.. and it works.. at least for me.. i guess everyone just has to find a way that works best for them..

ok this post is not making any sense.. enough whining jiafeng.. get going coz there're a lots of things waiting for you to do..

i'm so gonna get pumped up after this post.. if not i'm screwed for the big moments later.. alright jiafeng.. condense yourself.. get calm.. go into the "empty" state of mind.. and meditate.. breath in as you fill your whole body with air.. and breathe out and relax your whole body at the same time.. and i'm done.. off to sleep now..

and wow.. that's easy..

if you can't write off the past.. then stop bringing it up..

Fine line to cross.. Fine line to seperate..

"being a teacher.. your job is to nurture and raise the new generation with full focus.."

that's gonna be my new way of life.. coz i've seen far too many teachers either being lazy.. or scared to be lectured by the principals that they have forgotten their duties.. just tell me.. how can a person be a teacher when he/she keeps talking about whether would the principal like it or not..? that's more like principal's maid..

i've come to realise that for everything we do.. the kids are the most important ones.. they are the king that you have to protect in shogi just like a certain anime stated.. they are the one who will pass on the knowledge.. they are the one who will dominate the world after us.. they are undoubtedly.. our hope..

i recently understand how powerful is it to believe.. but then there're too many complaining about kids.. how they are disobedient.. how they don't listen to you at all.. and they've lose trust in them.. but if you don't believe in them.. what else can you do? especially for teachers when your job is to educate.. what else can you do if you don't even believe the students..? absolutely nothing.. and then there will be giving up.. there will be mental disorder.. there will be rebellious period.. there will be student violations.. there will be wars among parents and the school.. and then there will be kids left uneducated who resolved in crimes to vent their angers..

kids might be playful.. might be disobedient or even rebelliouss.. but that's why the teachers are here.. the parents are here.. they are not here to scold the kids when their teaching method doesn't work.. but here to keep finding new ways to pass on the knowledge to them so that they can understand..

and to all teachers and parents.. if you happen to read this by one way or another.. maybe you would like to think through about it coz this is the kind of teacher and parent i'm gonna be.. and hope you will be too..

self enrichments start with "think"..

Venture..

it's good to see young generations rising up.. especially when they listen to advices and lectures.. taking things seriously and finish things up the instant it was given to them.. it's even better to see people maturing and staying strong.. giving a big wide smile while solving their own problems behind everyone's back..

i think i've once again.. grown.. to be more appreciative.. more spontaneous(i hope XD).. and more positive.. although there're still some things which i don't have the ability to do or help.. but i believe someday that misunderstood will be resolved.. my abilities will grow and able to help more people on their road.. and hopefully plans go well with what i wanna achieve.. which includes bonds..

i feel very powered up.. don't really know why.. it's a sense of greeting a future with full of hopes.. and oh yea.. inspiration just strucked me at this very moment.. shall write it down before i forget.. XD

做人要纯真
做事要认真
做梦要天真

and with that.. good bye to the lost-hope-in-human me.. coz it's time to believe..

you can give up on me giving up..

Sprouts of hope..

this has been dead for so long.. not really sure whether i wanna revive it again.. oh well.. i'll just post whenever i feel inspirated.. just bought an iphone 4 recently and it serves well.. with the great potential of the applications.. i think i'll be a devoted consumer of apple product for now and subject to changes XD

been working on a big project.. not really smooth but well at least i started spreading the awareness.. with not-bad-feedbacks i guess.. gotta continue believe in it..

alright let's get into the business now..

when there's love.. there's hate.. when there's reality.. there's fantasy.. and when there's dance.. there's obstacles..

to most of us.. it might just be another past time.. but i guess to some of the dedicated ones.. it's already more than a passion.. it's something that we love.. something we wanna be good at.. and something that we are thriving for.. if you have started feeling this way.. dance is no longer about dancing anymore..

when dance is not just about dancing.. dance will start to grow to a whole new level.. and that.. is to find the linkage between dance and real life.. the difference between moving and performing.. it’s just like capturing moments of familiarity and symbolizations.. and project whatever is in your mind to the audience through your performance..

miracles do happen.. and miracles don't extinct.. coz there're no end to imaginations.. as a performer you not only have to know what's happening.. but also imagine what's happening.. with imaginations.. the stage as a canvas will start to produce pictures.. which will then communicate with the audience.. and thus leaving impressions.. and that.. is what we do.. is what all performers do.. we create miracles..

performance marks the end of a chapter.. not the end of a story.. we will continue the story.. and hopefully it doesn't become a history.. most importantly.. the friends who are just as passionate as you to work hard together.. it’s very tough in life to find someone to have the same interests as yourself and to encourage each other during the encounters of difficulty.. because only dancers can understand dancers’ pain.. as well as joy..

here presenting the second half of one of my poems.. although i've posted it not long ago but this is just for people who are lazy to scroll just a bit down.. and hope it brings more hopes to others.. because dance is a never-ending quest.. and always remember.. yesterday is a history.. and today is a whole new story..

生命的交响乐曲
让人感慨万分
表演的曲终人散
让人不禁期待
下次的梦想弛奔

when every single thing has turn you down.. believe..

纸星星..

写作: 小册&奔腾之风

买了好多纸张 为你写些小卡
熟睡婴儿的平静 让我想轻轻捏他
头上冒出一朵朵的云 回想
小时的儿歌 上口的旋律
你还记得吗

去年圣诞前夕 到了好友的家
钢琴上的节拍器 不停的嘀嗒嘀嗒
十二点马上默许个愿望 回响
无忌的童声 纯真的思绪
你还记得吗

一颗一颗纸星星 放在瓶中传心情
一颗一颗纸星星 捧在手里许愿星

纸星星 点亮了草坪
灿烂的光点在等着幸福的来临 ho oh
闪烁的星星 发自内心的信心
将我们带到看得见极光的北极

纸星星 跃出了水泥
模糊的视觉挡不住正义的光明 ho oh
生命的玄机 超越想象的惊喜
星星照亮我们发现未知的痕迹

星星的声音 让我们一起聆听
我爱你的心 永远不会说停
星星的声音 让我们一起聆听
你爱我的心 永远不觉得腻

Twinkle Twinkle little Star
How I Wonder What You Are
Up Above the World So High
Like A Diamond in the Sky
Twinkle Twinkle little Star 你的心房是我的家

一闪一闪亮晶晶 满天都是小星星
放在天上放光明 好像许多小眼睛
一闪一闪亮晶晶 They Shines Only for You and Me

gifts are the medium of one heart to another..

肖像..

写作：小册&奔腾之风

他消失在那城堡里面 畏惧的眼却含有一点明媚
独自展开迷离的探险 脑海里不断出现各种画面
肖像里的她柔情飞溅 优美的姿态唤醒寂寞边界
似曾相似追忆到以前 漫漫长夜遮蔽了谁的视线

最后的幻想曲怎么编 明知墙上挂的不过是眷恋
美丽的梦蒙闭着双眼 却还是留在原地痴痴如醉
肖像前的他继续流泪 真的痛了 厌倦苦恋
犹如飞蛾扑向炬中火焰

泪 留得好累
不习惯想你的轮廓 想你的腼腆
想你的笑容多么抢眼
你的一切仿佛在肖像中出现

夜 深的太黑
早习惯看不到希望 看不见你脸
看不清绑死人的红线
就连破晓的亮丽都看不进眼

portraits of love is the stillness of heart..

生命的交响乐曲..

小提琴的轻声细语
让人投入好深
古筝的乘风破浪
让人热血沸腾
二胡的起承转合
让人起伏跟着
长笛的历尽沧桑
让人不禁失神

生命的交响乐曲
让人感慨万分
表演的曲终人散
让人不禁期待
下次的梦想弛奔

there's yet to be a grand finale.. for there's no end to life..

自我表达..

写作:小册&奔腾之风

破旧的娃娃 小号的洋装
如今已不知放在什么地方
灰色的发夹 暗淡的彩画
如今还能体会出什么情话

照片的泛黄 年少的荒唐
过往的片段早已随风飘荡
昔日的片段 放空的歌唱
何时才能找回自己的方向

我想 借由新的方式表达
寻找属于自己的语言大声嚷
一人写写画画也无妨
舞出自我 说出新的感想

我想 用力跳出世俗的围墙
放纵让自己的想法感动大家
喜悦也罢悲伤也这样
唱出自我 哼出新的想像

art is a kind of self reflection..

快乐的守候..

写作:小册&奔腾之风

你从来没有真正看过我
把我掷在角落 一动也不动
不要等到需要才来找我
不是你的玩偶 我需要自由
好想不管你为什么发愁
把你丢进马桶 用水冲走

选择闪躲来让心情好过
是谎言是欺骗 只有自己懂
放弃执着和握紧的手
是解脱是交错 还是自怜中
不想再用伤心来当借口
建一道防火墙 真的好厚

你说一个人伤心能伤多久
是一天是一年 还是一千年以后
等到悲伤恋曲播放完了然后
等待的会不会 是快乐的守候

我知道伤心不会就此罢休
即使是这样子 时间还是继续走
难得的是经历让我成长许多
我会记得这一幕 期待快乐的守候

happiness is nowhere to be found.. coz it's right infront of you..

深呼吸..

写作: 小册&奔腾之风

好想深呼吸 叹掉烦恼的情绪
迎接这世界 所有美丽的风景
好想深呼吸 揭开所有的秘密
透过你的视线 我看到了奇迹

再次深呼吸 放下一切的劳疲
与你手牵手 享受夜晚的星星
最后深呼吸 我鼓起万般勇气
望着你的眼睛 说让我照顾你

所以我们 一起深呼吸 朝向未知勇敢前进
快快乐乐 一起深呼吸 是一种自然的规律

千万不要因为害怕而放弃
因为不是只有你一人努力
就像一棵粗壮的大树
我为你遮风挡雨在所不惜

千万不要为了小事而伤心
尤其我也会和你一起哭泣
就算那树叶枯萎花蕊凋谢
你也切记别忘了深深呼吸

因为你我的深呼吸 让脚步变轻 让距离更近

a breathe is all it takes to make your way through..

孤傲..

坐在公车，望着窗外
为何你的神情如此悲伤
就连眼神都是飘忽的
“你不需要知道”

听着音乐，慢步走着
为何你的背影如此孤单
就连指尖都透露着无奈
“我的事不需向任何人交代”

倾盆大雨，淋着泪水
为何连天都为你哭泣
就连你的泪痕都掩盖了
“你想太多了”

天啊，这就是你给他的答复吗？
问题一定要解决得如此两败俱伤吗？
“我从没怪过谁，因为在战场上，总有一方要输得一败涂地。这是千古不变的定律”
“我，只得认命”

something small to someone may be big matters to others..

Kindness..

我们这一生中.. 常常在摸索着答案.. 但答案在哪里.. 时常不得而知.. 有些人就因为这样而放弃了寻找答案.. 有些人却因为这样而越挫越勇.. 不停的寻找答案.. 但残酷的是.. 找到的答案往往不是自己所预期.. 所期盼的..

答案.. 很重要吗..? 或许吧.. 因为当一个人陷入一个漩涡.. 不知方向的时候.. 一个明确的答案往往成了一艘救生艇.. 将你载到安全的地方.. 好好安顿下来.. 让还不能平复下来的心情顿时感到踏实.. 但.. 这太无趣了..

生活就像是一片汪洋大海.. 有时辽阔的视野让你充满干劲.. 但时不时地变天却又让人害怕不已.. 人生.. 不过就是环绕在这两种形态而已..

此时此刻的我.. 虽然已陷入了漩涡.. 和以往不一样的是.. 我并不渴望有一艘救生艇来救我.. 反之.. 我倒希望能够探探漩涡里的虚实.. 这或许又是一种不一样的体验.. 虽然结果始终是个未知数.. 但.. 就是这样才有趣不是吗..? 或许对现在的我来说.. 伤心根本不足为惧.. 但最重要的是.. 我知道我自己在做什么.. 比任何时候都还清楚..

有的时候.. 就是这种未知数让人着迷.. 难听一点来说.. 或许就是犯贱吧..

it takes time to test the pure in heart..

Blessing in disguise..

it just got to me that.. fate and destiny are just too amazing.. they bring two person close and then seperate the next second.. here i am thinking i can overcome that power.. but i can't.. or maybe currently can't.. it's just beyond my control now.. but i can and i will in the future.. coz i'm ambitious..

the time for ups and downs has come again.. nothing to be done right now.. or maybe in the near future.. all i can say is you know.. life just doesn't go the way you want.. i don't mean it's frustrating for me.. in fact it's expectable.. but someday i'll make life go my way.. totally my way and absolutely my way.. coz i'm ambitious..

many says dancer needs to learn to dance out yourself.. express your soul and all kinda stuff.. i think it's bullshit.. once you are a dancer.. you are no longer yourself.. you are everything.. you are the universe.. so if you are the universe.. how can you be your tiny self..? so agian.. bullshit..

too may random thoughts.. probably coz of too many confusions.. and when there's too many confusions.. self destruction occurs.. oh sorry.. aftereffect of trying to choreograph a dance.. haha.. oh well..

a bit of faith can fly you far away..

看...

我靠着栏杆，凝视着店家所摆设的电视机。
自由、潇洒，早已不是一两天的事。
此时，一个身影从我右侧走来，停在我面前。
她没看着我，我在看着她。
她或许不知道是我，但我知道是她。

“咦？…”
还没来得及说完，她已转身走进店家。
她还是没变，和以前一样傻。

我转头看她来的方向，他站在那里。
他看着我，我看着他。
他或许不认得我，但我绝对认得他。
他走向她，而我，下意识地走开。

这一刻，我仿佛能够真正的了解什么是放下。
就是悄悄地，不让她，和他，知道我的存在。

so manners were just masks..

Chronicle..

爱上一个人
不是在早晨，就是在黄昏
爱上一个人
唯一的原因，就是认真
爱上一个人
检验的标准，就是变笨
爱上一个人
什么都不问，他就是神
爱上一个人
只有爱，他不会恨

being fragile is a tool to pave an honor's path..

Steel is the body and fire is the blood..

i still remember that i used to like to watch cartoons.. drama series.. movies about this good guy defeating this bad guy or whatsoever.. during those days.. yeap.. bad guys should be exterminated.. all those "rule the world" "all you get is emptiness" "you are bound to get hurt" seems so unreal to me back then.. i mean.. why would they make the protagonist wrong..?

but now.. i seems to understand what they are talking about and began to empathise the "bad guy".. coz what they believed and what they are saying isn't just simply something they came up and blabber those words so as to crash the beliefs of the others.. but also the truth.. it's just so happened that the more concrete truth is that in a fantasy.. the fantasy always wins the reality.. especially when we humans are sensual beings..

i don't know why i talked about this but.. maybe i'm just not in a very good mood.. or rather no mood.. after seeing something just now.. oh well.. this just shows how much longer i need to go..

here to quote something from somewhere which is my current favourite.. and i think it fits me really well..

i have withstood much pain to create many weapons..
yet, these hands will never hold anything..

sometimes the non-existent just wins the existent..

Moments of familiarity..

just went for a night run.. which surprisingly.. makes me feel great.. my minds were clear and i feel alive.. and then inspiration struck me.. and i think it really make sense.. here to share..

我将人性分为三大种类.. 理性.. 感性.. 以及兽性.. 这三大性则是为什么人说男女有别的原因.. 首先以理性和感性来说.. 女性通常以感性居多但理性居少.. 而男性则是感性与理性各一半.. 这就是为什么男人要在社会上立足是进退两难.. 而女人则是步步艰难.. 女人在谈感情时比男人道高一尺.. 而男人在谈政治、商场、战场时比女人魔高一丈.. 当然也有复杂的特别个案..

至于兽性.. 又称本能.. 是为了生存而存在.. 在男性与女性之间有相同也有分别.. 首先说分别.. 男性的兽性在于你争我夺、你死我活、传宗接代的部分.. 而女性的兽性会在防范.. 尤其是孩子或自己.. 还有觉得自己受到威胁的时候显露出.. 这也是为什么男性明着来..女性暗中宰的原因.. 当然也有特别个案.. 而这些特别个案则牵涉到了是理性居多或感性居多的问题.. 男性与女性兽性的唯一共同点就是食、饮与呼吸.. 这些是生存的根本.. 没了兽性就如同死亡.. 但也正因如此.. 理性根基浅者常会因为为了生存而让自己的兽性主宰.. 做出伤天害理的事..

现今社会说要男女平等.. 根本是做梦.. 男女永远不可能平等.. 因为男女是绝对有别的.. 即便是龙凤胎.. 只要出生时间不一样.. 名字不一样.. 那就是不同遭遇.. 也就等于不平等.. 所以男女平等是绝对不成立的..

但人人平等却是成立的.. 原因就是因为人人都有不公平的待遇.. 我知道很难懂.. 试想"不公平"等于"A".. 如果每个人都有"A"的待遇的话.. 那是不是人人平等?

另外.. 藉由情况、情愫等因素.. 三大性会本能地产生力量.. 但这力量是正是邪、所为可不可取.. 完全靠本人的因果造化..

说到力量.. 感性的力量为其中之最.. 光是与男人与女人之间的区分作比较.. 就知道感性占了极大分量.. 理性中等.. 兽性须因人而异.. 因此感性为人类之优点.. 也是缺点.. 至于何时为优点或缺点.. 须以此人个性和当下情况而判断.. 举例来说.. 一名勇士在商讨军事时毛遂自荐.. 愿当先锋主动讨伐敌军.. 此乃有勇之举.. 但如碰到的是强悍的敌军.. 就连硬碰硬都不一定能赢的话.. 同样的人就变成了有勇无谋之辈..

a bit makes the difference big..

Old leaves..

this is gonna be a short post.. since i wanna blog but nothing to blog at all.. so below is dedicated to my friend.. who said my english is powderful.. but i think my chinese is so much better.. and here's the prove..

谁言别后终无悔
寒月清宵绮梦迴
深知身在情长在
前尘不共彩云飞

god only helps those who help themselves..

Season-less city.. Season-full heart beat..

"careful.. don't fall down my sweet heart.. it's very painful if you fall and hurt yourself.." "why can't you listen to me? i've had more life experienced and i know this is not gonna work.. so why are you so stubborn?" "it's not even right to ignore others comment.. especially when i'm a walking encyclopedia.."

kinda familiar doesn't it..? these are all warnings.. precautions.. anti-danger measures taken by people to another person.. they sound really boasting.. but they also carries the most amount of love.. but for one thing which i'm very sure.. is that i never give a damn to these things..

i always believe you have to experience before you can learn and internalise something.. which also makes it your own.. so when my father talks to me about these kinda things.. i never really listen to it.. unless i see it for myself.. i wouldn't know how discouraging the truth is.. i wouldn't believe how pain it's gonna hurt me..

and now i know how pain it was.. i kinda followed my father's foot step.. telling people about how pain this is.. how wrong that is.. but the thing is.. no one ever really listen.. and now i understand the frustration of no one is heeding your advice..

but well.. i can only say that they are adventurous people like myself.. although what they are encountering now is what i've been through when i'm much younger.. at least 3 to 4 years younger than them.. and although it's frustrating.. i still believe you have to experience all things by yourself.. all i can say is.. dad.. when this early maturing is a world trend.. it also means early rebellious stage..

but i'm very happy to see someone maturing through the ordeals of thinking-too-much.. and i believe he will succeed.. more successful than most of the people i know.. and for now i'll shut my door from the outside.. if you want my help.. come to me yourself..

unattainable dreams are the best kind..

Lost and found..

exam is finally coming to an end.. left with just one more subject and i'm done with it and next up is the performance.. after that is my one week trip back to taiwan.. and then end of june rehearsals for the Ballet Under The Star performance.. then after that is school plus choreographing for showcase and preparation for genting competition.. hmm.. guess i'm packed..

had the year end party on thursday night.. it's only then i realise.. nothing is more sad when everyone is feeling so happy but you just can't seem to be influenced.. walking to take bus home with my ear piece on.. it's only then i realise.. nothing is more lonely when walking alone with a street full of people and this sad tune keeps repeating as though resonating in your mind.. not that it's the first time.. but well.. i think i'm getting more sensitive recently..

side track a bit.. i feel that being abstract is a very big thing.. coz abtract is like giving you a tiny bit of information and you go figure it out yourself.. so you need to know everything about the subject before you can be abstract.. just like those buddhist sutra that says "sex is emptiness.. emptiness is sex" that kinda stuff.. it's like wadde hell is that.. but once you encounter things in your life that touches that sentence even for a bit.. you would be so inspired by that abstraction..

my lecturer was talking the other day about being confused about taking dance as a profession during our school life.. and she said she feel that i was the only one who doesn't sway.. but then.. is that even true? i suppose so.. if not i wouldn't have heck care about personal problems and continue to dance my way out..

keep that fire burning people..

sadness is to be kept.. happiness is to be spread..

Half-burnt wood..

alright.. time to give some time to my blog.. been busy lately.. was at home only for the sake of sleeping most of the time.. really wanted to complain about something but well.. complain doesn't help.. so why bother..

maybe 21st birthday is a big thing.. i don't know.. i pass it like my every other days.. with the exception of a small celebration by my troupe mate.. really thank them for the surprise although the lights were out too long to realise that the birthday cake was coming.. haha.. but thanks..

21 years had passed.. flashbacks of what happened to me in the past always occurs whenever i'm alone on the bus.. looking out of the window without any focus and ideas of what's outside.. natural but yet different.. that's what i've always been trying to be.. a significant individual..

maybe too significant.. likes and hates seem to be under the light.. i was always thinking why couldn't people who hates me like me like those who likes me.. but it all came to a resolve when this sentence came out from a ramen stall holder.. "remember.. you cannot satisfy the tastes of all customers.."

how peasant-ly yet profound..

when the ink of the pen died.. you just maximised its use..

Prank of life..

year end thoughts and new year resolutions.. apologies to all my troupe mates and also serves as a reminder for myself..

首先，我必须要为几件事道歉。第一，就是有关嘉惠的事。我因为急着想解决事情，结果说了一些很伤人的话。我非常愧疚，因为事情已经过了那么久我才发现，而且还是因为别人告诉我的。因为我的不经大脑办事，我在这里向你道歉。

第二，我因为有事忙，所以常没来和大家一起练功，一起和大家被骂，一起和大家同甘共苦。因为我没有时间观念，不能安排好我的时间，不能与大家分担压力，我在这里向大家道歉。

第三，我有的时候都会从你们自己或其他人的口中听到你们的一些困难，而我也会尽力想办法帮你们。但有时候，有些事是在我能力范围之外的，我帮不上忙，只能帮你们加油，或自己默默的祈祷，有时候真的觉得自己很没用。因为我的无能为力，我向大家道歉。

我昨天因为一件事，对自己真的很失望，因为目前我解决不了那件事，而且那件事也彻底抹杀了我的信念。但我之后发觉，有很多其他东西是我能够做的，有很多东西是在等着我去做的，我现在还能在这里，都是因为你们。因为有你们，我才能在今天面对问题，因为有你们，我才能在失败中爬起来。

新年新希望，希望舞蹈团能够更上一层楼、误会不要再发生、还有就是每个人都能够快快乐乐的来上课。我相信这些愿望能够实现，因为我相信你们、因为我们是最专业的非专业团体、因为你们是最棒的。

一国之君.. 南征北讨.. 不顺民心.. 何以服众..

Surrounding circle..

weeks ago i was preparing for performance.. just the day before performance i heard saddening news.. and the day after performance i had to supervise a camp.. and now.. after the camp i engaged myself with every night practises with those kids..

is it luck or what? that i kept myself busy to stop thinking of personal stuffs.. and after seeing those problems the kids have.. it's so childish that i couldn't stand it.. but somehow it just negates the sadness of losing a motivation.. and now i'm devoting myself into polishing them.. into a better dancer.. and also better well-being..

i'll do what i can.. and i'll give it my all.. for those things that's beyond my abilities.. i'll wish for their success and happiness.. but if possible.. i hope i wouldn't need to wish for them at all.. so i could do something for them.. i guess i'm just as powerless as every other human..

don't complain if you wanna love.. don't love if you wanna complain..

Broken string..

somehow i feel like writing this.. so here we go..

i wanna get over army quickly to go china to study choreography..

i want the whole singapore to know how good our troupe is by performing in the assembly of schools..

i wanna set up a dance academy and spread godma's legacy.. with a general system similar to china..

i wanna be stronger.. so i can protect everyone around me..

i want everyone around me to be happy.. so i can be happy too..

and i'll forever remind myself.. that her happiness is my happiness..

love is not to own.. but to own means you love..

Principle..

seems like everyone has their own problems ey.. haha.. it's just like reading my past posts.. i will laugh them off like what the hell am i thinking right then.. it's like looking at all those yellowish.. ragged photos.. while recalling what kinda stupid thing you've done..

from young i've always been receiving.. you know.. being the smallest in family and all.. spoiled brat you can say.. even till now i still haven't got rid of that bad habit.. but at least i learnt to give.. after coming to a turning point at a certain point of my life..

so when i learnt to give.. i also learnt that there are people who are there to receive.. people who needs and deserved my givings.. however at that point of time.. as a human.. i just couldn't accept the fact that when you are giving.. there is no guarantee that you'll receive anything..

and now.. i've come to know just recently.. that you don't expect to receive if you decided to give.. coz then it defeats the purpose of giving..

if you wanna give and give it all out.. don't do it half-hearted which makes you sway from your path.. anyway if you really desire to receive from those who you gave.. isn't a smile from them enough already?

i've seen people giving and got frustrated for not receiving back.. and ya.. it's just like looking back at the me 3 years ago.. and when i try to talk to them.. again i saw the old me.. being stubborn and all.. refusing to listen to anyone.. not that i listen to others now anyway.. oh well..

i'm not trying to show off how much i know.. i'm trying to give all i can.. to all people who needs those givings.. and i'm not trying to show off how much i can give.. i'm just trying to absorb all your glum faces.. sorrow.. sadness.. anything negative.. and get the smiles back on your currently damned face..

若想付出.. 付其极出.. 莫想回报.. 回其不报..

On the grass patch..

biannual performance and sem exam are finally over.. i was like crawling through my way.. zZz.. oh well let's see what's coming next.. opera performance in less than a week's time.. "Our Growing Creation" showcase in two week's time.. and a dance camp straight after that.. ok there goes my holiday..

i think singapore really lacks of depth.. even the way we joke about something is really childish compared to others.. just look at the variety shows in singapore and china or taiwan.. it's like pluto and sun.. in terms of size and distance.. ok la since i'm a singaporean i'll try to squeeze something nice.. let's see.. oh yea.. it's a good place to start.. but not a good place to continue.. i guess that's the biggest compliment i can give..

maybe that's why they are bringing "foreign talents" in.. but why do "foreign talents" wanna come here if they are really talents? perhaps what they meant by talents are just commoners by others..

or perhaps i'm just thirsty for a richer life experience.. for once i thought of going to china to live with those taoists and monks for a short period.. not that i wanna be a monk or what.. at least just to experience.. speaking of this.. i ask one of my friend to bring me to any of the bar that is prone to troubles like fighting or even has the most cases of spiked drinks.. and when i said it's for inspiration for a choreography when she asked me why.. she's giving me that "are you sure" face with one big eye and one small eye.. lol..

fine.. i admit that my thoughts and actions are almost always too out of the box.. well.. just too bad..

人生如梦.. 美恶交融.. 归回尘土.. 一场虚空..

仙剑问情..

细雨飘—清风摇
凭藉痴心般情长
浩雪落—黄河浊
任由他绝情心伤
放下吧—手中剑—我情愿
唤回了—心底情—宿命尽
为何要—孤独绕
你在世界另一边
对我的深情—怎能用只字片语写的尽—写的尽
不贪求一个愿

又想起你的脸—朝朝暮暮漫漫人生路
时时刻刻—看到你的眼眸里柔情似水
今生缘来世再续—情何物生死相许
如有你相伴—不羡鸳鸯不羡仙

情天动—青山中
阵风瞬息万里云
寻佳人—情难真
御剑踏破乱红尘
翱翔那—苍穹中—心不尽
纵横在—千年间—轮回转
为何让—寂寞长
我在世界这一边
对你的思念—怎能用千言万语说的清—说的清
只奢望一次醉

又想起你的脸—寻寻觅觅相逢在梦里
时时刻刻—看到你的眼眸里缱绻万千
今生缘来世再续—情何物生死相许
如有你相伴—不羡鸳鸯不羡仙

我命由我不由天..

Devils never cry..

有人说.. 活着只是一种方式.. 活得精彩才是目的..

伤的越深.. 感触就多.. 痛得彻底.. 认知也多.. 但试问自己所谓的感触及认知.. 是否通用于天下? 世上无对与错.. 只有被认同与不被认同的.. 敢问如果偷窃的行为是被认同的话.. 那么小偷是好人还是坏人? 如果说实话是不被认同的话.. 那么老实人是好人还是坏人？

人与人之间的感情.. 关系.. 那么的简单却带点复杂.. 是训练？磨练？试炼？还是人们用来把自己锁在一旁的铁链？为了一个人付出了那么多.. 到头来却因他不回复你的热情而感伤.. 甚至含恨.. 是精神的训练.. 看透世事的磨练.. 人生的试炼.. 还是只是感情的铁链？

时间能冲淡一切.. 冲淡所有的不快乐.. 但这是否又意味着以往的纯真也会因此而渐渐消逝？ 在保持纯真与在这弱肉强食的社会生存之中.. 又该如何抉择？就算作了决定.. 这种非常的自我意识是被认同的吗？那么多那么多的问题.. 麻烦.. 和该注意的事.. 有时候把人给逼疯了.. 才会惹来一些平民百姓的怜悯.. 除此之外什么都没有..

人在江湖.. 身不由己.. 虽然每个人都有自己的一套生活方式与人生道理.. 但这其中又有多少人能够真正的洞悉尘世？充其量也不过就是个苦过来的人罢了.. 一个苦过来的人劝导一个苦过来的人.. 相信也只会更苦而已.. 难道苦瓜炒黄莲会是甜的吗？

其实做人很简单.. 想要怎么做人才是最难的.. 只要记得人分两种.. 一种是依靠人的.. 一种是被依靠的.. 想要活得快乐就得知道自己是哪一种人.. 当然同类人不能在一起.. 那只会引起不必要的风波..

回忆固然美丽.. 未来虽然迷茫.. 但与其渴望过去.. 担心将来.. 不如踏踏实实的活在当下.. 这才是上上之策.. 朋友们.. 活着只是一种方式.. 活得精彩才是目的.. 就像把五味瓶打翻了似的.. 体验生活的精彩吧..

"start from myself".. is much easier than "start from others"..

Habit of caring..

been busy with assignments.. and my dance composition.. i totally don't understand why do we have to choreograph dance in that way.. being abstract is so not me.. oh well.. maybe like what someone has said.. although we were told that we can be ourselves there.. you still are bind to their system and thus having to go their way..

though it really isn't pleasing to go their way.. well.. being one of the four out of twenty-five pieces to show in the showcase kinda make me feel a bit relief.. at least my attempt to go their way is not in vain..

maybe i shouldn't be writing this here.. but i really think nafa has a serious problem in choreographing dance.. like.. what makes faun a faun when the "faun" is wearing indian costume..? and i totally don't understand why can it be called contemporary indian dance just coz it has improvisation work in it.. neither do i understand how can they call a supposedly a ballet piece to be indian rework piece just by changing the hand gesture..

despite all that i still see them posting an according-to-them email from the public saying how our department made a good attempt in merging eastern and western dance together and it was great and all.. i really wonder who that idiot is.. or maybe it's just a fake encouragement from the office.. oh well.. who knows..?

hmm.. time will come i guess.. not the time for me to understand.. but the time for me to leave them and enjoy my two years army.. ok that totally sucks.. lol.. oh man.. i wanna go china to study choreography badly..

oh by the way.. is it weird to go for movie alone..? why are so many people shocked when i tell them that i actually do that sometimes.. =/

freedom is when you have break through restrictions..