The End of Time..

The heart that sings..

2011-12-04T16:02:00.004+08:00

time for a little update.. been so long since i have anything to write about.. one thing i really wanna talk about is that i had a good start of december.. although things didn't really go the way i imagined they would be.. but hey.. at least they went as i planned.. which is good enough i guess..

to top that off.. i got myself a little sister.. it's not that kinda.. you know.. child play during our teenage life where everyone just start calling each other mother father brother and all sorts of crazy addresses.. it's.. kinda lame.. at least to me.. coz i had a lot of "sisters" and "brothers" before.. and as time goes by we just don't contact each other anymore.. except for the only few who i took the initiative to contact..

so this time round.. i hope to make it more significant.. and.. how do i say it..? more dependable i think..? coz this little girl is the first person ever made me feel that she'll make it.. not that i've never met anyone who can make it before.. but there are just something about her that are different from others.. and so it sparks me to make this decision.. so yup.. i've done it.. and now that she's my little sister.. no matter what she does.. where she is.. she'll always be my little sister.. there's no doubt about it..

somehow i think this affection in me is acting up again.. after so long.. but i guess i can control it now that i'm feeling a little bit different than before.. it's something hard to explain.. i think my friends who have been around me for quite some time can feel the change in me.. ever since i came back from resting coz of my knee injury..

and i need to buck up already.. those wasted time in army made me lose out so much to others that i can barely catch up.. and i also need to cut down on food and drinks intake now that i've not been exercising so much like before.. i need to think of ways to make full use of my time.. and transform myself within these two years so i'm ready to tackle what's to come..

so all in all.. a good start of the month.. and i hope this month will mark a good end to the year..

it is a dream.. yes.. a dream waiting to be realized..

The shattered glass..

2011-09-21T23:27:00.002+08:00

have you ever wonder what would happen if you ever lost your memories? i did.. and it all begins when i was sitting by the side watching my friends playing games.. and i start to question myself.. what if the ball hit something above me and it hit my head? and thus a series of unfortunate events happened..

it's scary.. and stressful.. scary in the sense that i'm suddenly thrown into a world of strangers.. a world i know nothing about.. i forgot my love ones.. my ambitions.. my goals.. my everything.. and that.. is a real loneliness.. a total solitude..

although those who cared for you will still help you to try to remember everything.. that's where the stress comes in.. what if i can't remember anything? even if i've seen everything that i "left behind".. my letters.. my gifts.. my belonging.. what if they've done their best but to no avail? they'll start to break down.. and the only thing i can do.. is to apologise for something i have no control with..

suddenly.. i feel all so lucky that i kept a blog alive.. even though there are times when i don't update at all.. but there are still something that i can keep track of.. i don't ever wanna be alone again.. i don't ever wanna feel sorry to those i've let down.. and i don't ever wanna lose my memories..

chaos always happen at where appears to be the most peaceful..

Raining as I'm breaking..

2011-09-20T23:17:00.003+08:00

yesterday night just after i had a workout.. i received a really bad news.. although i kinda got prepared for it.. i don't know whether i should be happy about it.. coz everything negative just seems to happen one by one as i predicted.. but whatever is the case.. i got it prepared and i got myself a solution.. so let's hope everything will work out..

thinking deeper.. i start to question myself.. am i ready? do i really understand everything? can my insufficient knowledge be convincing? it's the world i'm dealing with and i can't afford a mistake.. coz it will make me lose something that i've been finding for the past few years: a suitable candidate for a greater purpose i've been planning for three years..

am i doubting myself? no.. i can't doubt myself.. it makes me lose my cool.. i guess i just have to give it a try.. no.. not a try.. i must give it my all to make sure it works.. no mistake.. no uncertainties.. no left over problems..

i'm still not happy how all the negative things all happens like what i predicted.. has the world fallen so low? so much that a mere 23 year old young adult can know what happens next.. there's gotta be a way to change this around.. and i shall find it..

in the end.. we are all the same.. it's just the ideal that make us different

Gone were the days..

2011-09-15T09:33:00.002+08:00

my bmt life is coming to an end.. i would probably miss that place.. but i wouldn't ever wanna go back again.. i seriously don't like how the people in there treats us as a kind.. although i wouldn't say NS is a waste of time.. it certainly doesn't make full use of the time either..

i recently felt that i've reached a whole new level.. it's strange.. it's so unfamiliar.. but it's so powerful.. something that is so within that i can't explain.. things that used to bug me for a very long time just.. i don't know.. disintegrate? it's like a protection layer around me.. i haven't figure out how much i've grown.. but i'll certainly make full use of the things i gained..

you know.. having defeated for don't-know-how-many-times in the past.. i'm getting really tired.. especially the year before last year and the first half of last year.. which is a goddamn disaster.. nothing goes my way.. everything just rejects me.. i can only hide somewhere to try to avoid.. but i soon learnt that it's not gonna change anything.. probably i have to make the first step.. a very big step.. like over-the-drain that kind.. to make a 180 degrees change.. and i kinda glad i did..

i always believe that if you wanna change something.. you have to change yourself first.. and this change that i've made.. really changed me.. on how i see things.. on how i see myself.. on how i behave.. my whole being.. literally..

this protection layer around me.. i hope i can have the ability to pass it to everyone i wanna protect.. afterall.. they are probably the only reason how i obtained it..

heaven cries.. but do you know he cries for utter happiness too?

All-ready..

2011-07-03T04:10:00.004+08:00

there are times in life where you just feel like giving up.. especially when you just can't continue anymore.. be it the lack of reason.. the lack of strength.. or anything along the line.. but it seems that i've past that stage..

whenever i feel like giving up.. whenever i feel like slacking off.. whenever i feel like not doing anything.. it's their faces that appear before me.. and that makes me recall my ambitions.. my dreams.. my desires.. again and again.. which then gives me strength to fight on.. and reasons to fight for..

i'm so glad that i've adjusted the way i think so that i don't feel lonely anymore.. coz i trust them.. coz i believe them.. i know they are in their own way.. doing their best.. therefore i have to do my best too.. i have to work even harder.. so i can protect them.. and to answer to the future i'm gonna create along with them..

looking back the old me.. it's just amazing.. how much i've gone through.. and the me right now.. surging with power.. all ready for what's to come and go.. maybe i might feel even greater in the future.. but i know i'm at my best right now..

"I have people to protect, I have reasons to fight for, and I have a future to answer to. So come what may, life, your challenge is accepted."

you might see many people following me.. but i feel them supporting me instead..

Fly to the stars far away..

2011-05-02T22:49:00.002+08:00

long time since i last post.. kinda lost touch to writing.. life wasn't going really well.. but at least manageable.. have too many secrets to carry that i have to unload it.. but there's nowhere to let me dump them.. so i guess i hafta keep them for a while longer..

oh wow.. i don't know what to write at all.. all thanks to blogger's messed up html code.. that i can't do my usual formatting until now.. felt rather happy after fixing it..

alright.. too many thoughts in my mind right now that i don't know which to start first.. i guess i'll have to wait for the next time when i'm inpired.. yea i know.. it doesn't happen very often.. but i'll try my best.. and i've just uploaded four new music to share.. my current favorite..

and oh.. i broke one of my new year resolution already.. how fast.. tsk..

the sweetest moment.. the saddest frame..

A new year not so new..

2011-02-06T22:34:00.016+08:00

long awaited post here.. haven't had any inspiration or mood to write anything.. but well.. let's just say i'm going well with life.. not much things went against me and stuff.. unlike last year which is really.. indescribably bad for me..

not too sure about what's coming.. but while it's coming.. i might as well be accepting.. for whatever that is to come..

haven't had one before.. but i think i need it to organize myself.. so here's my new year resolution and wishlist:

Finished the sem without too much trouble
$3000 in bank
NGP if it comes this year-end
New PS3
A sofa bed to replace my original one
Repackage myself (which includes toning up)
Don't ever do things last minute again

now that i look at it.. i guess i need lotsa money for this year.. oh well.. and this chinese new year doesn't have any new-year-feel at all.. i really wonder.. hmm..

the world is improving.. so should you..

Transparent..

2010-12-04T01:25:00.004+08:00

and it happened again.. the time when i get emotional for no reason.. suddenly i feel so weak.. suddenly i feel so useless.. and suddenly i feel that i can't hold on anymore.. i feel so uneasy when so many people are around.. i feel like a scared child.. it's just so.. indescribably uncomfortable..

and i just thought to myself.. why bother..? no one's gonna care.. you've been too strong for anyone to care about you.. so stfu..

and this is my shortest post ever..

it's so sad.. that my tears ran out..

Once again..

2010-11-27T01:30:00.005+08:00

there're both sides to everything.. perhaps hardships are good.. and perhaps praising is bad.. given the validity of my first sentence.. but i think what matters most is the coming back.. the more we got criticized.. the stronger we are.. and the better we become.. this is what it takes to be an artist.. you dare to say what you will.. and you dare to take what comes back..

happiness and sadness are always just a momentary choice.. yet they complement each other in the law of opposition.. come to think of it.. seriously.. whatever emotion it is.. it ends up hurting ourselves one way or another.. but the most important thing is the drive that keeps you going.. the force to bounce back after each falls.. and the will that surpasses all wounds and pains..

disappointments are everywhere.. if you seriously think about it.. but on the lighter note.. we can always learn to not repeat the disappointment.. that's how we improve.. that's how we discipline ourselves.. and that's how we rise to the top..

but that's where the contradiction comes in.. people dislikes competitions.. they are tired of it.. they wanna have fun.. they wanna be happy.. it is understandable.. who doesn't wanna be happy..? it's just that everyone's happiness lies in different thing.. some finds happiness in a simple life.. and some finds happiness in creating happiness.. it was never about how the crowd goes or living up to others' expectation.. it's about what you want for yourself.. which ironically.. is hard to decide for most..

art for one thing.. is working under restriction.. just as life does.. and there're so much to learn in life.. just as art does.. all in all.. i guess living in the world itself is a kind of art.. isn't it..?

it's the interest that got me started.. and it's the love that got me going..

The vast sea..

2010-11-13T16:50:00.004+08:00

been really busy.. had a break down a few days ago.. but come to think of it.. it wasn't that bad after all.. and well.. that's what education is about isn't it..? so yup.. they just need someone to teach them since they hardly had any..

everyone is tired about everything.. and yea i know that.. but perhaps just a little more effort from everyone of being thoughtful could have made a big difference.. as all the small insignificant adds up.. they become something with big significance..

i wouldn't say life is difficult.. just that there're lots of stages to conquer.. maybe it's coz people tends to take right and wrong too hard that they couldn't accept defeats and criticism.. but what's the big deal..? it was never about right and wrong anyway.. it's about bringing out the best in you while making all the wrong turns and learn from it.. at least that's what i believe..

life should be meaningful.. by doing something that you like and contributes.. perhaps a fast progression is good.. but for a more serious matter.. i think that causes us to live for the sake of living.. just like in school.. you only learn to score.. but not learn to know.. everything now is about statistic.. progression.. ahead of others and whatnot.. and what happens to living to appreciate..? it dies down..

we need something better than that.. and that.. is to strive for excellence in everything we do.. and slowly.. success will catch you up in no time..

the challenge from within.. the battle against yourself.. win it.. and the greater height awaits..

Wind can't stop..

2010-10-03T22:43:00.007+08:00

my life was filled with angers.. frustrations.. sadness.. heartaches.. vexes.. helplessness.. emptiness.. hates.. loneliness.. sulks.. and.. you know.. all the negative things you can think of.. i recently made a formspring account and then there's this option where you can generate a question to answer by yourself.. and so i tried it and the very first question i was asked is "What was the happiest moment in your life?".. to be honest.. i really can't think of anything to be happy about..

i've knew it all along and therefore i tried to change.. and during the process i still encounter the same thing.. anger.. frustration.. and blah blah blacksheeps.. it's only until recently.. that i think i finally get to know how to be a bit more happy.. and that is to believe.. and i was talking to one of my juniors on the net the other day and she said that was the first time i'm not being cold to her..

i kept on changing for the better.. i was so unapproachable.. it got a bit better.. it was damn hard to open my mouth to talk to others.. it's definitely improving coz all my troupe mates are more willing to talk to me after i came back.. maybe the only thing that i can't do now.. is to open up to others..

i totally don't get how other people can just share their problems like there's no tomorrow.. i wanted to stay strong.. i wanted to let other people know that i'm reliable when they are in need to me.. but as the process of doing so includes bottling up your own feelings.. everything just shows how weak i am.. how i wish to be the youngest in the group again to be pampered.. to be dote on and all..

i hardly dream.. but just a few days ago i had this dream.. and in the dream i felt so lonely.. that i cried.. and i woke up in tears.. and i think that's the only dream that i'll ever remember because it strucks me so hard.. coz i thought i could be strong enough to carry my own burdens.. but apparently it's not.. there are just some things in a person that others won't be able to understand.. no matter they are your friends.. your companion.. your parents.. whoever it is..

you know.. having reach this stage of life and achievements.. i shouldn't be complaining about all these anymore.. like what my father says.. i'm a person with big dreams and visions.. i have to be able to carry my own burdens and sometimes even other people's as well.. but.. i think i still have a long way to go..

all i can say is.. because you don't know what it means to me.. it's just so true that this sentence will forever stay in my mind and reminds me to learn.. to be able to understand what this particular thing means for others.. i.. will start to change everything by first changing myself.. i really need to improve myself to be much better in three years.. three years..

ok i just realise that self encouraging and self bashing doesn't at all helps with me being sad.. blogging is the way to go.. and i hope the effect stays longer..

sure i'm crazy.. but that doesn't mean i'm wrong..

Seriously..

2010-09-12T02:05:00.001+08:00

you know.. we are always in the situation where one thing comes after one another when the previous one just ended.. it’s too tiring.. but it’s too satisfying..

it’s always about the mentality of how you see things.. some people will feel happy when they did it.. while others will say like oh at least we got it.. but still i believe that spreading the positive around will help us to stay together..

although i kinda know what’s gonna happen at year end.. no matter it’s gonna happen or not.. that’s why my project must work.. my project has to work.. and it’s gonna work.. coz i believe in it and all the other people that inspire me to do it..

well i guess the very first thing i’ve gotta do is to make the first step and be proactive.. i can’t wait anymore.. there’s no time coz of that stupid ns.. if not i would have like 2 more years to get prepared and launch execution.. i need leaders.. i need someone who can take over my place.. and apparently there hasn’t been a suitable candidate..

the problems of having youngsters is that they are already gone just when their thinking have matured.. and those who stayed on are the immatured ones.. not that i’m complaining.. but well i guess it’s really important to make everyone stay on so we can grow and mature together rather than leaving one by one.. and also to pass on the knowledge to the kids so they can take over us..

i need people who can teach them the right things.. but i guess i’ll start with myself first.. alright.. that’s the plan.. sounds good but dangerous too.. but that’s what makes life interesting..

education.. no effort from you.. no change in them..

iThink..

2010-09-10T01:55:00.002+08:00

tell me why?

i thought i've overcome the fact that no one will understand me.. but somehow i just felt an urge to talk to someone.. and then.. i realise that there's no one whom i can talk to.. there are just certain things in everyone that others don't understand what he or she is going through.. maybe that's why..

well in the first place i should have blamed myself for making myself so complicated for others to understand.. i too hope that i can be simple.. easy-going.. communicatable.. but there are just some self-demands that i can't put down.. which made people around unhappy? feel helpless towards me? or maybe even hated me for being like this..

but whenever i'm in doubt of myself or whatever it is.. i always tell myself to stop dwelling into it and go on to do some other things.. and it works.. at least for me.. i guess everyone just has to find a way that works best for them..

ok this post is not making any sense.. enough whining jiafeng.. get going coz there're a lots of things waiting for you to do..

i'm so gonna get pumped up after this post.. if not i'm screwed for the big moments later.. alright jiafeng.. condense yourself.. get calm.. go into the "empty" state of mind.. and meditate.. breath in as you fill your whole body with air.. and breathe out and relax your whole body at the same time.. and i'm done.. off to sleep now..

and wow.. that's easy..

if you can't write off the past.. then stop bringing it up..

Fine line to cross.. Fine line to seperate..

2010-09-02T14:08:00.003+08:00

"being a teacher.. your job is to nurture and raise the new generation with full focus.."

that's gonna be my new way of life.. coz i've seen far too many teachers either being lazy.. or scared to be lectured by the principals that they have forgotten their duties.. just tell me.. how can a person be a teacher when he/she keeps talking about whether would the principal like it or not..? that's more like principal's maid..

i've come to realise that for everything we do.. the kids are the most important ones.. they are the king that you have to protect in shogi just like a certain anime stated.. they are the one who will pass on the knowledge.. they are the one who will dominate the world after us.. they are undoubtedly.. our hope..

i recently understand how powerful is it to believe.. but then there're too many complaining about kids.. how they are disobedient.. how they don't listen to you at all.. and they've lose trust in them.. but if you don't believe in them.. what else can you do? especially for teachers when your job is to educate.. what else can you do if you don't even believe the students..? absolutely nothing.. and then there will be giving up.. there will be mental disorder.. there will be rebellious period.. there will be student violations.. there will be wars among parents and the school.. and then there will be kids left uneducated who resolved in crimes to vent their angers..

kids might be playful.. might be disobedient or even rebelliouss.. but that's why the teachers are here.. the parents are here.. they are not here to scold the kids when their teaching method doesn't work.. but here to keep finding new ways to pass on the knowledge to them so that they can understand..

and to all teachers and parents.. if you happen to read this by one way or another.. maybe you would like to think through about it coz this is the kind of teacher and parent i'm gonna be.. and hope you will be too..

self enrichments start with "think"..

Venture..

2010-08-26T00:27:00.002+08:00

it's good to see young generations rising up.. especially when they listen to advices and lectures.. taking things seriously and finish things up the instant it was given to them.. it's even better to see people maturing and staying strong.. giving a big wide smile while solving their own problems behind everyone's back..

i think i've once again.. grown.. to be more appreciative.. more spontaneous(i hope XD).. and more positive.. although there're still some things which i don't have the ability to do or help.. but i believe someday that misunderstood will be resolved.. my abilities will grow and able to help more people on their road.. and hopefully plans go well with what i wanna achieve.. which includes bonds..

i feel very powered up.. don't really know why.. it's a sense of greeting a future with full of hopes.. and oh yea.. inspiration just strucked me at this very moment.. shall write it down before i forget.. XD

做人要纯真
做事要认真
做梦要天真

and with that.. good bye to the lost-hope-in-human me.. coz it's time to believe..

you can give up on me giving up..

Sprouts of hope..

2010-08-18T20:17:00.007+08:00

this has been dead for so long.. not really sure whether i wanna revive it again.. oh well.. i'll just post whenever i feel inspirated.. just bought an iphone 4 recently and it serves well.. with the great potential of the applications.. i think i'll be a devoted consumer of apple product for now and subject to changes XD

been working on a big project.. not really smooth but well at least i started spreading the awareness.. with not-bad-feedbacks i guess.. gotta continue believe in it..

alright let's get into the business now..

when there's love.. there's hate.. when there's reality.. there's fantasy.. and when there's dance.. there's obstacles..

to most of us.. it might just be another past time.. but i guess to some of the dedicated ones.. it's already more than a passion.. it's something that we love.. something we wanna be good at.. and something that we are thriving for.. if you have started feeling this way.. dance is no longer about dancing anymore..

when dance is not just about dancing.. dance will start to grow to a whole new level.. and that.. is to find the linkage between dance and real life.. the difference between moving and performing.. it’s just like capturing moments of familiarity and symbolizations.. and project whatever is in your mind to the audience through your performance..

miracles do happen.. and miracles don't extinct.. coz there're no end to imaginations.. as a performer you not only have to know what's happening.. but also imagine what's happening.. with imaginations.. the stage as a canvas will start to produce pictures.. which will then communicate with the audience.. and thus leaving impressions.. and that.. is what we do.. is what all performers do.. we create miracles..

performance marks the end of a chapter.. not the end of a story.. we will continue the story.. and hopefully it doesn't become a history.. most importantly.. the friends who are just as passionate as you to work hard together.. it’s very tough in life to find someone to have the same interests as yourself and to encourage each other during the encounters of difficulty.. because only dancers can understand dancers’ pain.. as well as joy..

here presenting the second half of one of my poems.. although i've posted it not long ago but this is just for people who are lazy to scroll just a bit down.. and hope it brings more hopes to others.. because dance is a never-ending quest.. and always remember.. yesterday is a history.. and today is a whole new story..

生命的交响乐曲
让人感慨万分
表演的曲终人散
让人不禁期待
下次的梦想弛奔

when every single thing has turn you down.. believe..

纸星星..

2009-09-16T00:20:00.002+08:00

写作: 小册&奔腾之风

买了好多纸张为你写些小卡
熟睡婴儿的平静让我想轻轻捏他
头上冒出一朵朵的云回想
小时的儿歌上口的旋律
你还记得吗

去年圣诞前夕到了好友的家
钢琴上的节拍器不停的嘀嗒嘀嗒
十二点马上默许个愿望回响
无忌的童声纯真的思绪
你还记得吗

一颗一颗纸星星放在瓶中传心情
一颗一颗纸星星捧在手里许愿星

纸星星点亮了草坪
灿烂的光点在等着幸福的来临 ho oh
闪烁的星星发自内心的信心
将我们带到看得见极光的北极

纸星星跃出了水泥
模糊的视觉挡不住正义的光明 ho oh
生命的玄机超越想象的惊喜
星星照亮我们发现未知的痕迹

星星的声音让我们一起聆听
我爱你的心永远不会说停
星星的声音让我们一起聆听
你爱我的心永远不觉得腻

Twinkle Twinkle little Star
How I Wonder What You Are
Up Above the World So High
Like A Diamond in the Sky
Twinkle Twinkle little Star 你的心房是我的家

一闪一闪亮晶晶满天都是小星星
放在天上放光明好像许多小眼睛
一闪一闪亮晶晶 They Shines Only for You and Me

gifts are the medium of one heart to another..

肖像..

2009-09-10T01:03:00.002+08:00

写作：小册&奔腾之风

他消失在那城堡里面畏惧的眼却含有一点明媚
独自展开迷离的探险脑海里不断出现各种画面
肖像里的她柔情飞溅优美的姿态唤醒寂寞边界
似曾相似追忆到以前漫漫长夜遮蔽了谁的视线

最后的幻想曲怎么编明知墙上挂的不过是眷恋
美丽的梦蒙闭着双眼却还是留在原地痴痴如醉
肖像前的他继续流泪真的痛了厌倦苦恋
犹如飞蛾扑向炬中火焰

泪留得好累
不习惯想你的轮廓想你的腼腆
想你的笑容多么抢眼
你的一切仿佛在肖像中出现

夜深的太黑
早习惯看不到希望看不见你脸
看不清绑死人的红线
就连破晓的亮丽都看不进眼

portraits of love is the stillness of heart..

生命的交响乐曲..

2009-09-08T02:52:00.002+08:00

小提琴的轻声细语
让人投入好深
古筝的乘风破浪
让人热血沸腾
二胡的起承转合
让人起伏跟着
长笛的历尽沧桑
让人不禁失神

生命的交响乐曲
让人感慨万分
表演的曲终人散
让人不禁期待
下次的梦想弛奔

there's yet to be a grand finale.. for there's no end to life..

自我表达..

2009-09-08T02:10:00.003+08:00

写作:小册&奔腾之风

破旧的娃娃小号的洋装
如今已不知放在什么地方
灰色的发夹暗淡的彩画
如今还能体会出什么情话

照片的泛黄年少的荒唐
过往的片段早已随风飘荡
昔日的片段放空的歌唱
何时才能找回自己的方向

我想借由新的方式表达
寻找属于自己的语言大声嚷
一人写写画画也无妨
舞出自我说出新的感想

我想用力跳出世俗的围墙
放纵让自己的想法感动大家
喜悦也罢悲伤也这样
唱出自我哼出新的想像

art is a kind of self reflection..

快乐的守候..

2009-09-08T01:43:00.004+08:00

写作:小册&奔腾之风

你从来没有真正看过我
把我掷在角落一动也不动
不要等到需要才来找我
不是你的玩偶我需要自由
好想不管你为什么发愁
把你丢进马桶用水冲走

选择闪躲来让心情好过
是谎言是欺骗只有自己懂
放弃执着和握紧的手
是解脱是交错还是自怜中
不想再用伤心来当借口
建一道防火墙真的好厚

你说一个人伤心能伤多久
是一天是一年还是一千年以后
等到悲伤恋曲播放完了然后
等待的会不会是快乐的守候

我知道伤心不会就此罢休
即使是这样子时间还是继续走
难得的是经历让我成长许多
我会记得这一幕期待快乐的守候

happiness is nowhere to be found.. coz it's right infront of you..

深呼吸..

2009-09-08T01:37:00.003+08:00

写作: 小册&奔腾之风

好想深呼吸叹掉烦恼的情绪
迎接这世界所有美丽的风景
好想深呼吸揭开所有的秘密
透过你的视线我看到了奇迹

再次深呼吸放下一切的劳疲
与你手牵手享受夜晚的星星
最后深呼吸我鼓起万般勇气
望着你的眼睛说让我照顾你

所以我们一起深呼吸朝向未知勇敢前进
快快乐乐一起深呼吸是一种自然的规律

千万不要因为害怕而放弃
因为不是只有你一人努力
就像一棵粗壮的大树
我为你遮风挡雨在所不惜

千万不要为了小事而伤心
尤其我也会和你一起哭泣
就算那树叶枯萎花蕊凋谢
你也切记别忘了深深呼吸

因为你我的深呼吸让脚步变轻让距离更近

a breathe is all it takes to make your way through..

孤傲..

2009-08-27T23:41:00.002+08:00

坐在公车，望着窗外
为何你的神情如此悲伤
就连眼神都是飘忽的
“你不需要知道”

听着音乐，慢步走着
为何你的背影如此孤单
就连指尖都透露着无奈
“我的事不需向任何人交代”

倾盆大雨，淋着泪水
为何连天都为你哭泣
就连你的泪痕都掩盖了
“你想太多了”

天啊，这就是你给他的答复吗？
问题一定要解决得如此两败俱伤吗？
“我从没怪过谁，因为在战场上，总有一方要输得一败涂地。这是千古不变的定律”
“我，只得认命”

something small to someone may be big matters to others..

Kindness..

2009-08-24T23:44:00.002+08:00

我们这一生中.. 常常在摸索着答案.. 但答案在哪里.. 时常不得而知.. 有些人就因为这样而放弃了寻找答案.. 有些人却因为这样而越挫越勇.. 不停的寻找答案.. 但残酷的是.. 找到的答案往往不是自己所预期.. 所期盼的..

答案.. 很重要吗..? 或许吧.. 因为当一个人陷入一个漩涡.. 不知方向的时候.. 一个明确的答案往往成了一艘救生艇.. 将你载到安全的地方.. 好好安顿下来.. 让还不能平复下来的心情顿时感到踏实.. 但.. 这太无趣了..

生活就像是一片汪洋大海.. 有时辽阔的视野让你充满干劲.. 但时不时地变天却又让人害怕不已.. 人生.. 不过就是环绕在这两种形态而已..

此时此刻的我.. 虽然已陷入了漩涡.. 和以往不一样的是.. 我并不渴望有一艘救生艇来救我.. 反之.. 我倒希望能够探探漩涡里的虚实.. 这或许又是一种不一样的体验.. 虽然结果始终是个未知数.. 但.. 就是这样才有趣不是吗..? 或许对现在的我来说.. 伤心根本不足为惧.. 但最重要的是.. 我知道我自己在做什么.. 比任何时候都还清楚..

有的时候.. 就是这种未知数让人着迷.. 难听一点来说.. 或许就是犯贱吧..

it takes time to test the pure in heart..

Blessing in disguise..

2009-08-20T00:21:00.002+08:00

it just got to me that.. fate and destiny are just too amazing.. they bring two person close and then seperate the next second.. here i am thinking i can overcome that power.. but i can't.. or maybe currently can't.. it's just beyond my control now.. but i can and i will in the future.. coz i'm ambitious..

the time for ups and downs has come again.. nothing to be done right now.. or maybe in the near future.. all i can say is you know.. life just doesn't go the way you want.. i don't mean it's frustrating for me.. in fact it's expectable.. but someday i'll make life go my way.. totally my way and absolutely my way.. coz i'm ambitious..

many says dancer needs to learn to dance out yourself.. express your soul and all kinda stuff.. i think it's bullshit.. once you are a dancer.. you are no longer yourself.. you are everything.. you are the universe.. so if you are the universe.. how can you be your tiny self..? so agian.. bullshit..

too may random thoughts.. probably coz of too many confusions.. and when there's too many confusions.. self destruction occurs.. oh sorry.. aftereffect of trying to choreograph a dance.. haha.. oh well..

a bit of faith can fly you far away..

看...

2009-08-10T23:53:00.004+08:00

我靠着栏杆，凝视着店家所摆设的电视机。
自由、潇洒，早已不是一两天的事。
此时，一个身影从我右侧走来，停在我面前。
她没看着我，我在看着她。
她或许不知道是我，但我知道是她。

“咦？…”
还没来得及说完，她已转身走进店家。
她还是没变，和以前一样傻。

我转头看她来的方向，他站在那里。
他看着我，我看着他。
他或许不认得我，但我绝对认得他。
他走向她，而我，下意识地走开。

这一刻，我仿佛能够真正的了解什么是放下。
就是悄悄地，不让她，和他，知道我的存在。

so manners were just masks..

Chronicle..

2009-07-16T00:10:00.002+08:00

爱上一个人
不是在早晨，就是在黄昏
爱上一个人
唯一的原因，就是认真
爱上一个人
检验的标准，就是变笨
爱上一个人
什么都不问，他就是神
爱上一个人
只有爱，他不会恨

being fragile is a tool to pave an honor's path..

Steel is the body and fire is the blood..

2009-06-22T00:31:00.004+08:00

i still remember that i used to like to watch cartoons.. drama series.. movies about this good guy defeating this bad guy or whatsoever.. during those days.. yeap.. bad guys should be exterminated.. all those "rule the world" "all you get is emptiness" "you are bound to get hurt" seems so unreal to me back then.. i mean.. why would they make the protagonist wrong..?

but now.. i seems to understand what they are talking about and began to empathise the "bad guy".. coz what they believed and what they are saying isn't just simply something they came up and blabber those words so as to crash the beliefs of the others.. but also the truth.. it's just so happened that the more concrete truth is that in a fantasy.. the fantasy always wins the reality.. especially when we humans are sensual beings..

i don't know why i talked about this but.. maybe i'm just not in a very good mood.. or rather no mood.. after seeing something just now.. oh well.. this just shows how much longer i need to go..

here to quote something from somewhere which is my current favourite.. and i think it fits me really well..

i have withstood much pain to create many weapons..
yet, these hands will never hold anything..

sometimes the non-existent just wins the existent..

Moments of familiarity..

2009-06-03T22:09:00.011+08:00

just went for a night run.. which surprisingly.. makes me feel great.. my minds were clear and i feel alive.. and then inspiration struck me.. and i think it really make sense.. here to share..

我将人性分为三大种类.. 理性.. 感性.. 以及兽性.. 这三大性则是为什么人说男女有别的原因.. 首先以理性和感性来说.. 女性通常以感性居多但理性居少.. 而男性则是感性与理性各一半.. 这就是为什么男人要在社会上立足是进退两难.. 而女人则是步步艰难.. 女人在谈感情时比男人道高一尺.. 而男人在谈政治、商场、战场时比女人魔高一丈.. 当然也有复杂的特别个案..

至于兽性.. 又称本能.. 是为了生存而存在.. 在男性与女性之间有相同也有分别.. 首先说分别.. 男性的兽性在于你争我夺、你死我活、传宗接代的部分.. 而女性的兽性会在防范.. 尤其是孩子或自己.. 还有觉得自己受到威胁的时候显露出.. 这也是为什么男性明着来..女性暗中宰的原因.. 当然也有特别个案.. 而这些特别个案则牵涉到了是理性居多或感性居多的问题.. 男性与女性兽性的唯一共同点就是食、饮与呼吸.. 这些是生存的根本.. 没了兽性就如同死亡.. 但也正因如此.. 理性根基浅者常会因为为了生存而让自己的兽性主宰.. 做出伤天害理的事..

现今社会说要男女平等.. 根本是做梦.. 男女永远不可能平等.. 因为男女是绝对有别的.. 即便是龙凤胎.. 只要出生时间不一样.. 名字不一样.. 那就是不同遭遇.. 也就等于不平等.. 所以男女平等是绝对不成立的..

但人人平等却是成立的.. 原因就是因为人人都有不公平的待遇.. 我知道很难懂.. 试想"不公平"等于"A".. 如果每个人都有"A"的待遇的话.. 那是不是人人平等?

另外.. 藉由情况、情愫等因素.. 三大性会本能地产生力量.. 但这力量是正是邪、所为可不可取.. 完全靠本人的因果造化..

说到力量.. 感性的力量为其中之最.. 光是与男人与女人之间的区分作比较.. 就知道感性占了极大分量.. 理性中等.. 兽性须因人而异.. 因此感性为人类之优点.. 也是缺点.. 至于何时为优点或缺点.. 须以此人个性和当下情况而判断.. 举例来说.. 一名勇士在商讨军事时毛遂自荐.. 愿当先锋主动讨伐敌军.. 此乃有勇之举.. 但如碰到的是强悍的敌军.. 就连硬碰硬都不一定能赢的话.. 同样的人就变成了有勇无谋之辈..

a bit makes the difference big..

Old leaves..

2009-05-21T23:27:00.002+08:00

this is gonna be a short post.. since i wanna blog but nothing to blog at all.. so below is dedicated to my friend.. who said my english is powderful.. but i think my chinese is so much better.. and here's the prove..

谁言别后终无悔
寒月清宵绮梦迴
深知身在情长在
前尘不共彩云飞

god only helps those who help themselves..

Season-less city.. Season-full heart beat..

2009-05-14T23:04:00.002+08:00

"careful.. don't fall down my sweet heart.. it's very painful if you fall and hurt yourself.." "why can't you listen to me? i've had more life experienced and i know this is not gonna work.. so why are you so stubborn?" "it's not even right to ignore others comment.. especially when i'm a walking encyclopedia.."

kinda familiar doesn't it..? these are all warnings.. precautions.. anti-danger measures taken by people to another person.. they sound really boasting.. but they also carries the most amount of love.. but for one thing which i'm very sure.. is that i never give a damn to these things..

i always believe you have to experience before you can learn and internalise something.. which also makes it your own.. so when my father talks to me about these kinda things.. i never really listen to it.. unless i see it for myself.. i wouldn't know how discouraging the truth is.. i wouldn't believe how pain it's gonna hurt me..

and now i know how pain it was.. i kinda followed my father's foot step.. telling people about how pain this is.. how wrong that is.. but the thing is.. no one ever really listen.. and now i understand the frustration of no one is heeding your advice..

but well.. i can only say that they are adventurous people like myself.. although what they are encountering now is what i've been through when i'm much younger.. at least 3 to 4 years younger than them.. and although it's frustrating.. i still believe you have to experience all things by yourself.. all i can say is.. dad.. when this early maturing is a world trend.. it also means early rebellious stage..

but i'm very happy to see someone maturing through the ordeals of thinking-too-much.. and i believe he will succeed.. more successful than most of the people i know.. and for now i'll shut my door from the outside.. if you want my help.. come to me yourself..

unattainable dreams are the best kind..

Lost and found..

2009-05-01T22:45:00.002+08:00

exam is finally coming to an end.. left with just one more subject and i'm done with it and next up is the performance.. after that is my one week trip back to taiwan.. and then end of june rehearsals for the Ballet Under The Star performance.. then after that is school plus choreographing for showcase and preparation for genting competition.. hmm.. guess i'm packed..

had the year end party on thursday night.. it's only then i realise.. nothing is more sad when everyone is feeling so happy but you just can't seem to be influenced.. walking to take bus home with my ear piece on.. it's only then i realise.. nothing is more lonely when walking alone with a street full of people and this sad tune keeps repeating as though resonating in your mind.. not that it's the first time.. but well.. i think i'm getting more sensitive recently..

side track a bit.. i feel that being abstract is a very big thing.. coz abtract is like giving you a tiny bit of information and you go figure it out yourself.. so you need to know everything about the subject before you can be abstract.. just like those buddhist sutra that says "sex is emptiness.. emptiness is sex" that kinda stuff.. it's like wadde hell is that.. but once you encounter things in your life that touches that sentence even for a bit.. you would be so inspired by that abstraction..

my lecturer was talking the other day about being confused about taking dance as a profession during our school life.. and she said she feel that i was the only one who doesn't sway.. but then.. is that even true? i suppose so.. if not i wouldn't have heck care about personal problems and continue to dance my way out..

keep that fire burning people..

sadness is to be kept.. happiness is to be spread..

Half-burnt wood..

2009-03-10T22:53:00.003+08:00

alright.. time to give some time to my blog.. been busy lately.. was at home only for the sake of sleeping most of the time.. really wanted to complain about something but well.. complain doesn't help.. so why bother..

maybe 21st birthday is a big thing.. i don't know.. i pass it like my every other days.. with the exception of a small celebration by my troupe mate.. really thank them for the surprise although the lights were out too long to realise that the birthday cake was coming.. haha.. but thanks..

21 years had passed.. flashbacks of what happened to me in the past always occurs whenever i'm alone on the bus.. looking out of the window without any focus and ideas of what's outside.. natural but yet different.. that's what i've always been trying to be.. a significant individual..

maybe too significant.. likes and hates seem to be under the light.. i was always thinking why couldn't people who hates me like me like those who likes me.. but it all came to a resolve when this sentence came out from a ramen stall holder.. "remember.. you cannot satisfy the tastes of all customers.."

how peasant-ly yet profound..

when the ink of the pen died.. you just maximised its use..

Prank of life..

2009-01-03T23:39:00.003+08:00

year end thoughts and new year resolutions.. apologies to all my troupe mates and also serves as a reminder for myself..

首先，我必须要为几件事道歉。第一，就是有关嘉惠的事。我因为急着想解决事情，结果说了一些很伤人的话。我非常愧疚，因为事情已经过了那么久我才发现，而且还是因为别人告诉我的。因为我的不经大脑办事，我在这里向你道歉。

第二，我因为有事忙，所以常没来和大家一起练功，一起和大家被骂，一起和大家同甘共苦。因为我没有时间观念，不能安排好我的时间，不能与大家分担压力，我在这里向大家道歉。

第三，我有的时候都会从你们自己或其他人的口中听到你们的一些困难，而我也会尽力想办法帮你们。但有时候，有些事是在我能力范围之外的，我帮不上忙，只能帮你们加油，或自己默默的祈祷，有时候真的觉得自己很没用。因为我的无能为力，我向大家道歉。

我昨天因为一件事，对自己真的很失望，因为目前我解决不了那件事，而且那件事也彻底抹杀了我的信念。但我之后发觉，有很多其他东西是我能够做的，有很多东西是在等着我去做的，我现在还能在这里，都是因为你们。因为有你们，我才能在今天面对问题，因为有你们，我才能在失败中爬起来。

新年新希望，希望舞蹈团能够更上一层楼、误会不要再发生、还有就是每个人都能够快快乐乐的来上课。我相信这些愿望能够实现，因为我相信你们、因为我们是最专业的非专业团体、因为你们是最棒的。

一国之君.. 南征北讨.. 不顺民心.. 何以服众..

Surrounding circle..

2008-12-16T14:00:00.002+08:00

weeks ago i was preparing for performance.. just the day before performance i heard saddening news.. and the day after performance i had to supervise a camp.. and now.. after the camp i engaged myself with every night practises with those kids..

is it luck or what? that i kept myself busy to stop thinking of personal stuffs.. and after seeing those problems the kids have.. it's so childish that i couldn't stand it.. but somehow it just negates the sadness of losing a motivation.. and now i'm devoting myself into polishing them.. into a better dancer.. and also better well-being..

i'll do what i can.. and i'll give it my all.. for those things that's beyond my abilities.. i'll wish for their success and happiness.. but if possible.. i hope i wouldn't need to wish for them at all.. so i could do something for them.. i guess i'm just as powerless as every other human..

don't complain if you wanna love.. don't love if you wanna complain..

Broken string..

2008-12-07T00:10:00.004+08:00

somehow i feel like writing this.. so here we go..

i wanna get over army quickly to go china to study choreography..

i want the whole singapore to know how good our troupe is by performing in the assembly of schools..

i wanna set up a dance academy and spread godma's legacy.. with a general system similar to china..

i wanna be stronger.. so i can protect everyone around me..

i want everyone around me to be happy.. so i can be happy too..

and i'll forever remind myself.. that her happiness is my happiness..

love is not to own.. but to own means you love..

Principle..

2008-12-02T03:16:00.002+08:00

seems like everyone has their own problems ey.. haha.. it's just like reading my past posts.. i will laugh them off like what the hell am i thinking right then.. it's like looking at all those yellowish.. ragged photos.. while recalling what kinda stupid thing you've done..

from young i've always been receiving.. you know.. being the smallest in family and all.. spoiled brat you can say.. even till now i still haven't got rid of that bad habit.. but at least i learnt to give.. after coming to a turning point at a certain point of my life..

so when i learnt to give.. i also learnt that there are people who are there to receive.. people who needs and deserved my givings.. however at that point of time.. as a human.. i just couldn't accept the fact that when you are giving.. there is no guarantee that you'll receive anything..

and now.. i've come to know just recently.. that you don't expect to receive if you decided to give.. coz then it defeats the purpose of giving..

if you wanna give and give it all out.. don't do it half-hearted which makes you sway from your path.. anyway if you really desire to receive from those who you gave.. isn't a smile from them enough already?

i've seen people giving and got frustrated for not receiving back.. and ya.. it's just like looking back at the me 3 years ago.. and when i try to talk to them.. again i saw the old me.. being stubborn and all.. refusing to listen to anyone.. not that i listen to others now anyway.. oh well..

i'm not trying to show off how much i know.. i'm trying to give all i can.. to all people who needs those givings.. and i'm not trying to show off how much i can give.. i'm just trying to absorb all your glum faces.. sorrow.. sadness.. anything negative.. and get the smiles back on your currently damned face..

若想付出.. 付其极出.. 莫想回报.. 回其不报..

On the grass patch..

2008-11-18T23:02:00.003+08:00

biannual performance and sem exam are finally over.. i was like crawling through my way.. zZz.. oh well let's see what's coming next.. opera performance in less than a week's time.. "Our Growing Creation" showcase in two week's time.. and a dance camp straight after that.. ok there goes my holiday..

i think singapore really lacks of depth.. even the way we joke about something is really childish compared to others.. just look at the variety shows in singapore and china or taiwan.. it's like pluto and sun.. in terms of size and distance.. ok la since i'm a singaporean i'll try to squeeze something nice.. let's see.. oh yea.. it's a good place to start.. but not a good place to continue.. i guess that's the biggest compliment i can give..

maybe that's why they are bringing "foreign talents" in.. but why do "foreign talents" wanna come here if they are really talents? perhaps what they meant by talents are just commoners by others..

or perhaps i'm just thirsty for a richer life experience.. for once i thought of going to china to live with those taoists and monks for a short period.. not that i wanna be a monk or what.. at least just to experience.. speaking of this.. i ask one of my friend to bring me to any of the bar that is prone to troubles like fighting or even has the most cases of spiked drinks.. and when i said it's for inspiration for a choreography when she asked me why.. she's giving me that "are you sure" face with one big eye and one small eye.. lol..

fine.. i admit that my thoughts and actions are almost always too out of the box.. well.. just too bad..

人生如梦.. 美恶交融.. 归回尘土.. 一场虚空..

仙剑问情..

2008-11-17T21:00:00.008+08:00

细雨飘—清风摇
凭藉痴心般情长
浩雪落—黄河浊
任由他绝情心伤
放下吧—手中剑—我情愿
唤回了—心底情—宿命尽
为何要—孤独绕
你在世界另一边
对我的深情—怎能用只字片语写的尽—写的尽
不贪求一个愿

又想起你的脸—朝朝暮暮漫漫人生路
时时刻刻—看到你的眼眸里柔情似水
今生缘来世再续—情何物生死相许
如有你相伴—不羡鸳鸯不羡仙

情天动—青山中
阵风瞬息万里云
寻佳人—情难真
御剑踏破乱红尘
翱翔那—苍穹中—心不尽
纵横在—千年间—轮回转
为何让—寂寞长
我在世界这一边
对你的思念—怎能用千言万语说的清—说的清
只奢望一次醉

又想起你的脸—寻寻觅觅相逢在梦里
时时刻刻—看到你的眼眸里缱绻万千
今生缘来世再续—情何物生死相许
如有你相伴—不羡鸳鸯不羡仙

我命由我不由天..

Devils never cry..

2008-11-09T22:16:00.003+08:00

有人说.. 活着只是一种方式.. 活得精彩才是目的..

伤的越深.. 感触就多.. 痛得彻底.. 认知也多.. 但试问自己所谓的感触及认知.. 是否通用于天下? 世上无对与错.. 只有被认同与不被认同的.. 敢问如果偷窃的行为是被认同的话.. 那么小偷是好人还是坏人? 如果说实话是不被认同的话.. 那么老实人是好人还是坏人？

人与人之间的感情.. 关系.. 那么的简单却带点复杂.. 是训练？磨练？试炼？还是人们用来把自己锁在一旁的铁链？为了一个人付出了那么多.. 到头来却因他不回复你的热情而感伤.. 甚至含恨.. 是精神的训练.. 看透世事的磨练.. 人生的试炼.. 还是只是感情的铁链？

时间能冲淡一切.. 冲淡所有的不快乐.. 但这是否又意味着以往的纯真也会因此而渐渐消逝？在保持纯真与在这弱肉强食的社会生存之中.. 又该如何抉择？就算作了决定.. 这种非常的自我意识是被认同的吗？那么多那么多的问题.. 麻烦.. 和该注意的事.. 有时候把人给逼疯了.. 才会惹来一些平民百姓的怜悯.. 除此之外什么都没有..

人在江湖.. 身不由己.. 虽然每个人都有自己的一套生活方式与人生道理.. 但这其中又有多少人能够真正的洞悉尘世？充其量也不过就是个苦过来的人罢了.. 一个苦过来的人劝导一个苦过来的人.. 相信也只会更苦而已.. 难道苦瓜炒黄莲会是甜的吗？

其实做人很简单.. 想要怎么做人才是最难的.. 只要记得人分两种.. 一种是依靠人的.. 一种是被依靠的.. 想要活得快乐就得知道自己是哪一种人.. 当然同类人不能在一起.. 那只会引起不必要的风波..

回忆固然美丽.. 未来虽然迷茫.. 但与其渴望过去.. 担心将来.. 不如踏踏实实的活在当下.. 这才是上上之策.. 朋友们.. 活着只是一种方式.. 活得精彩才是目的.. 就像把五味瓶打翻了似的.. 体验生活的精彩吧..

"start from myself".. is much easier than "start from others"..

Habit of caring..

2008-10-19T22:05:00.002+08:00

been busy with assignments.. and my dance composition.. i totally don't understand why do we have to choreograph dance in that way.. being abstract is so not me.. oh well.. maybe like what someone has said.. although we were told that we can be ourselves there.. you still are bind to their system and thus having to go their way..

though it really isn't pleasing to go their way.. well.. being one of the four out of twenty-five pieces to show in the showcase kinda make me feel a bit relief.. at least my attempt to go their way is not in vain..

maybe i shouldn't be writing this here.. but i really think nafa has a serious problem in choreographing dance.. like.. what makes faun a faun when the "faun" is wearing indian costume..? and i totally don't understand why can it be called contemporary indian dance just coz it has improvisation work in it.. neither do i understand how can they call a supposedly a ballet piece to be indian rework piece just by changing the hand gesture..

despite all that i still see them posting an according-to-them email from the public saying how our department made a good attempt in merging eastern and western dance together and it was great and all.. i really wonder who that idiot is.. or maybe it's just a fake encouragement from the office.. oh well.. who knows..?

hmm.. time will come i guess.. not the time for me to understand.. but the time for me to leave them and enjoy my two years army.. ok that totally sucks.. lol.. oh man.. i wanna go china to study choreography badly..

oh by the way.. is it weird to go for movie alone..? why are so many people shocked when i tell them that i actually do that sometimes.. =/

freedom is when you have break through restrictions..

Forbidden colours..

2008-10-12T21:23:00.002+08:00

The wounds on your hands never seem to heal
I thought all I needed was to believe

Here am i, a lifetime away from you
The blood of christ, or the beat of my heart
My love wears forbidden colours
My life believes

Senseless years thunder by
Millions are willing to give their lives for you
Does nothing live on?

Learning to cope with feelings aroused in me
My hands in the soil, buried inside of myself
My love wears forbidden colours
My life believes in you once again

I'll go walking in circles
While doubting the very ground beneath me
Trying to show unquestioning faith in everything
Here am i, a lifetime away from you
The blood of christ, or a change of heart

My love wears forbidden colours
My life believes
My love wears forbidden colours
My life believes in you once again

those that don't kill you.. only make yourself stronger..

Another road..

2008-10-05T18:35:00.004+08:00

i was born in heaven in disguise.. banished into hell when i know the truth.. and still climbing that spiked vine.. though like a star.. i see sparkling lights shining above.. guiding me while i'm on my way to set my foot back on land.. however it is just a star.. which disappears with an eye's blink..
你要加油哦
lost on my way.. for i've been following lights coming from everywhere.. it is then.. i heard a lovely voice.. it's like those stars.. appearing only when it does.. but it last long enough for me to know the direction..
不管怎样都一定要撑下去
i'll never forget today.. how that lovely voice ceased my pain with a simple greeting.. it seems to open another path.. to where i do not know.. but never in my life.. have i felt so tranqulized.. never have i known.. that happiness can be so simple.. i wish to walk on that path.. no matter what lies at the end..
很抱歉除了说加油以外
you are the one who taught me simplicity.. a weight on the other end of my balance.. for that i thank you.. when the time comes.. when i finally made my humble offer.. hopefully you'll accept me as a shelter.. and hopefully i can repel all those which are trying to destroy that simplicity you have and have given me unconciously.. i love you..
我什么也做不了

待花谢之时.. 便可指花开之日..

Still motion..

2008-10-01T22:23:00.003+08:00

theoretically i should be doing my assignments.. theoretically i should be afraid coz i haven't finish my choreography for my dance composition showing tomorrow.. theoretically i should be worrying about things that i should be worried about.. but somehow those theories don't work on me theoretically today.. or maybe most of the time.. i guess that "free n' easy" has got into my blood already.. oh well..

hasn't really been productive this few days.. and the best part is.. i don't feel remorseful at all.. how great can that be? oh and it's the first time i feel that shopping without having to care about money is so fun.. i have this $20 ntuc voucher from hui guan and my mother's $100 ntuc voucher from her company and so i went for a little shopping spree.. and believe me even though they only sell food and drinks which is like daily needs.. but it's enough to get you high.. lol.. i was like carrying five big plastic bags home.. luckily my house is just across the road..

i found this anime like three days ago named "When the cicadas cry" when translated.. and it's quite nice.. it's kinda hard to brief the story coz it's just too complicated.. and kinda spooky too.. and no it's nothing like detective conan although it involves killing.. lol.. very nice.. but people with weak heart shouldn't watch it unless you want some thrill badly..

i'm not blogging anything useful do i? ah well.. as i said theory doesn't work well on me today.. oh did anyone know of any lyrics competition or something? i need some other side dishes other than my main dish..

oh.. one last thing.. if relationship is just about getting a good looking partner.. i guess this world would be much more peaceful.. hmm.. and i think my theoretical side of me woke up just now..

even though there are multiple choices.. there's only one answer..

The change of unchange..

2008-09-24T23:30:00.003+08:00

ok today something funny happened.. coz godma and i was walking down to toa payoh central after teaching me something.. and that's when we saw someone we don't really wanna see.. not that this particular person is irritating or some kind.. but it's hard to entertain someone you don't wanna entertain.. ah.. adult world.. lol.. and this reminds me of something that you can only say "haiz" when it happens..

ok i'm gonna be critical coz i don't really care.. so here's the story.. concerning two parties.. party 1 and party 2.. 1 and 2 used to be in good term.. or so i think.. and 1 happens to have this problem which i just written above.. and then for some reason 2 left 1 coz they think 1 is very fake.. coz 1 speaks ill of someone that 1 seems to be friendly with but actually.. you know..

but then.. 2 still has some kinda connection with 1.. a work relationship i guess.. so this 2 also pretends to be very friendly with 1 when they are speaking ill of 1..

you get what i mean? why the hell do you wanna not be yourself when you had so much grudge against someone or something? it's coz we are being forced to.. and what happens to that useless blabbering of "oh that person is so fake coz he *and it continues on* "..? it eventually turns out to prove that you are also the same type of person when the time comes..

so again.. haiz.. =X

what is of low value can become high value when it's at another place..

Dashing wind..

2008-09-20T00:40:00.003+08:00

alright it's time to buck up if not i won't be able to take the series of ordeals next week.. which means start of second term.. haha.. oh well..

i felt immensely great today and i have this sense of feeling happy coz of something good happened but i totally don't remember any.. so i kinda felt immensely strange too.. hmm.. probably coz i'm finally doing something today instead of rotting at home..

"i'm no where near arrogant.. other than having a big ambition which no ordinary people have.."

here i am working towards "fine art + fine organisation".. i'm not fully prepare but ready to take up the challenge.. so come on you scums.. be lost i may.. but i'll never be lost to you..

ok.. here ends my er.. totally-not-myself self-encouragement..

two hints to enjoy life.. to love and to hate..

Silent storm..

2008-09-15T22:18:00.002+08:00

i wanted to write about something but i think that's some kinda personal problems.. and i can predict it will stir up some kinda trouble so i think i better not.. oh well..

i stayed at home the whole day.. part of it is coz i'm on tutorial week.. and another is coz i didn't wanna do anything although i'm suppose to go to school and have my replacement classes.. watching tv.. sleeping.. playing games.. somehow all that doesn't help to get me back into shape.. probably coz of that thing which i wanted to write it down but didn't..

nothing is being changed.. or maybe i was the only who couldn't get over it..

ok i was so moodless today.. i should have gotten rid of that kinda humanity.. if so what is it that's bugging me so intensely..?

困中有难重重难
恼中有烦重重烦
思中有念重重念
哀中有叹重重叹

take a step back.. you'll find something so unusually usual yet usually unusual..

Purpose creates fate..

2008-09-12T23:35:00.003+08:00

have you ever questioned yourself "why can i see things?".. "why am i a human?".. "if there's such thing called soul in this world.. why am i in this body?".. "why do i have to look into the mirror to look at myself?".. "if everyone is different.. why are we the same?"..

sometimes these questions really struck me when i'm alone.. thinking too much you may say.. ya ok i admit i'm thinking too much.. thinking too much about this "nature".. "predestine" thing.. but i notice one thing.. which is that those who claim they know themselves wouldn't be strucked by these questions.. whereas those who don't.. they do..

so yea.. i really don't understand myself.. what am i? what's the purpose of me being here? to live? but i wouldn't want to live for the sake of living.. is there any meaning for me to be here? or i'm just here coz everyone is here?

so bud.. i understand it's a must since i'm who i am now.. but how am i suppose to make them understand when i don't even understand myself? and just now i actually wanted to tell you to ask them to read my blog.. but i guess it will just confuse them further.. haha.. so.. yea..

and for most cases.. understanding of each other is just like opening a door.. i wanted to go in.. but they wouldn't open.. i want to let them in.. but i couldn't open.. just like i said before.. if no one is telling the truth.. what more can i do? and if no one is telling the truth to even their best among friends there.. what the hell can i do?

nonetheless.. i'm quite aware of what you are concerned about.. time is the best rope to tie us together.. but whether they escaped from it before the knot is dead is another thing.. coz from what i understand and what i believe.. both of us will always stay inside the loop..

to be able to see what's unseen by most people.. is really terrifying..

Value.. An illusion..

2008-09-10T23:52:00.002+08:00

ok my laptop was being destroyed by me coz for some reason there was smoke coming out from the RAM chips.. so now i bought a new laptop and it's simply GORGEOUS.. i seldom use capital letters so you know how gorgeous it is.. lol..

anyway the book that i mentioned previously has three volumes in a set.. and i finished them in like a week? oh by the way i read them for free coz it's on display in popular.. and that's not called being cheapskate ok.. it's making use of the advantage.. as what i've learnt in those books..
haha..

those books kinda brought new insights to me.. it talks a lot on natural brain reflecting action and human behaviours through this NLP method which stands for Nuero Logical.. ok i forgot the last word.. a very good guide for people who do business or marketing.. anything that has to do with dealing with people.. although i don't really agree with some parts of what they say.. coz it's too much into reality.. as i said before fantasy and reality goes hand in hand.. the so called "balance"..

well.. what they said mostly are still very true.. and very new to me.. kinda hard to explain here.. ask me if you are interested to read them.. i wouldn't recommend things that are boring.. of coz.. you have to understand chinese after i've said so much about it.. not that i'm humiliating you but the words that they use is very precise.. unless you are very good at chinese if not you will not be able to differentiate words like 'same' and 'similar'.. just an example..

success is not about trying hard.. but to use the right method..

Tough Husk..

2008-09-02T23:54:00.003+08:00

Parent: My child is so disobedient, he will *blah blah blah* and then *blah blah blah*
Author: So what do you want?
Parent: *Stun for a while* You don't understand, he is really rebellious *and it goes on and on*
Author: I ask you again, so what do you want?

i read this book.. happens that the author was a counselor or something.. and he was talking about how often humans complain about things around them.. and when he ask that "so what you do want" question.. they couldn't answer a thing.. coz all they want is just someone to agree that they are in the right and others are wrong.. but the fact is they just couldn't accept the fact that they were the one in the wrong.. and for the above case.. the parents just wouldn't admit that they couldn't discipline their child.. and put the blame on their child.. reason being rebellious and wouldn't listen to them..

fact.. reality.. truth.. it's all hurting when it comes or happens to yourself.. and we the fragile humans often just turn our backs and blame it on some other things or someone else.. somtimes we have to know that the choice is our hands.. realities.. truths .. they just happen.. we are the one who have a choice to fight with it or just run away..

i don't know what to say.. it seems like many things are happening now.. but i guess i should change myself first before i can change others.. and again it really proved what i've said in the past is right.. start everything from yourself..

even if there're no roads for you to choose.. you can cut your way through..

Self-reflections..

2008-09-01T00:34:00.003+08:00

total sadness.. though i feel quite angry.. but more heartaches.. saddens me that they have to go through the process of knowing to make your interest your profession.. a mere passion is not enough.. which is tough.. very tough.. especially her.. argh.. i understand that personal feelings shouldn't get in the way of work.. but still..

being able to sacrifice for dance should be somewhat a happy thing for dancers.. but seeing them being so unhappy about it.. it saddens.. not that they are not able to understand.. but they have to go through the process of understanding it.. it's hard.. really hard.. even for me who already accept that fact.. reminds me of a story which a mother eagle teaches her baby how to fly by pushing him down the cliff..

i wouldn't boast.. but there're many good points that our troupe has.. and one of them is innocence.. i want to protect that.. but i guess it doesn't do them any good.. i should let them learn themselves.. but i couldn't bear.. contradiction.. it's coming again..

i wouldn't blame them.. i only have myself to blame coz i'm too eager to have everything done nicely so i wouldn't fail godma.. i'm sorry.. i'll do better.. for both the innocence i wanna protect and the accomplishment of everything entrusted to me..

a stupid thing a day keeps you happy all the way..

Never-ending quest..

2008-08-21T23:50:00.003+08:00

we try our best to make every practises count.. we try our best to make the best out of everything.. we try our best to make everything right.. yet we still get scoldings almost every practises.. disheartening.. ear-repelling scoldings.. so why do we dance?

we put in our heart.. we put in our time.. we put in almost our everything.. just to learn.. but when we were just starting to get to know it.. it's showing how it's so distant from us.. so near.. yet so far.. so why do we dance?

it's a world of its own.. it's a world for those who are daring to step into it.. and giving us a little space of our own to free our soul.. those who are not familiar with it just claim that we are crazy.. crazy enough to be crazy about it.. they reject us.. deemed us as being 'fantasy'.. with so many objection from the reality.. so why do we dance?

it's very tough in life to find someone to have the same interests as yourself and to encourage each other during the encounters of difficulty.. because only dancers can understand dancers’ pain.. as well as joy..

dance is cruel.. however.. it's kind too.. for bringing you all the glory you can have in the world as you've shown that you have the artistic elements in you.. not in your hands.. not in your brain.. but in you.. the whole of you.. and everything of you..

for the sake of our short moment of being a bright star on the stage.. being rejected is inevitable.. but when they see a star with a familiar face.. they'll be happy for us.. they'll feel the joy with us.. and they'll understand more about us.. about how much we wanted to be dedicated in dance..

even though our world is deemed as 'fantasy' by many.. reality will not exist without the existence of fantasy.. they goes hand in hand.. just like when there's long.. there's short.. when there's hard.. there's soft.. neither of them are bad nor good.. and either of them can be bad or good..

performance marks the end of a chapter.. not the end of a story.. we will continue the story.. and hopefully it doesn't become a history.. at least not during our living days..

spices are bad when it's too much.. so we are really tough when dance spices up our life so much..

Human, nature..

2008-07-28T22:26:00.002+08:00

"疑人不用，用人不疑"
eight words nicely arranged and with strong message conveyed.. short and sweet..i wonder when can i come up with sentences like this on my own..

ok anyway.. i realise that praising is a kind of responsibility.. you can either revive a person or if not kill him with it.. a praise is no longer merely a praise now coz it needs the right time.. right place and the right amount.. an overdose or wrong praise can be misleading..

that's something to ponder on especially praises from people with high status.. they are just like some ruler of some kind.. standing on a high mountain.. looking at how peaceful his kingdom is on the surface.. without knowing the darkside of his people or their intrigue against each other..

alright.. it's kinda obvious that i'm refering to something.. but well.. i guess i should leave it for now.. since things will somehow work out at times.. and damn that program booklet.. it gives me headache.. zZz..

human hearts are not like maths in which the answers are certain.. since they do stray from their path sometimes..

乘风破浪..

2008-07-02T01:25:00.007+08:00

我不想想那么多.. 我不会想也不敢想.. 因为喜欢一个人就是要把她送到幸福的那一端去.. 即使你自己并不是那一端.. 至于其他的事.. 我相信“随缘”这两个字.. 该是你的就是你的.. 不是你的强求也没用..

我不是不追求.. 而是觉得追求太不真实.. 人性是因情形与情况而变的.. 我不想变.. 因为我不希望她到头过来说我变了.. 这样只会让她更伤心.. 所以我决不会做任何有可能让她伤心的事.. 而且这几年来.. 我觉得我还是比较适合默默的守候别人..

我现在只想对她好.. 希望她能在当中感到幸福、快乐.. 我不要求她属于我.. 只要她天天都过得开开心心的.. 我就很满足了.. 或许我非常大男人主义.. 我行我素的.. 但这就是我现在喜欢一个人的方式.. 最笨拙、愚蠢的方式.. 但只要她开心.. 什么都好..

对一个孤儿来说.. 爱就是爱.. 没什么好分的..

Just that moment..

2008-06-29T00:58:00.002+08:00

i found my new love which i just uploaded onto my player.. and guess what? it's a soundtrack of Kung Fu Panda.. you may think that i'm childish but wait till you listen to it.. and i'm not buying the soundtrack coz i like the movie.. i'm just looking for chinese contemporary music for inspiration only..

and talking about music.. a good piece of music is needed to choreograph a good dance.. but it's just hard to find.. and it's not like we have that much money to invest in it.. coz sometimes there's not even one that can inspire you even if you bought a whole tower of cds..

my holiday is ending.. that kinda sucks coz i still have design of t-shirt and jacket to go.. also the invitation letter.. hmm.. let's just get over with it and i swear i'm gonna change the system after the performance is over.. ok that's too aggressive.. how about proposing to change the system? ya that sounds better..

two of my helping hands are going to be away from singapore.. think i've gotta start asking someone to do some stuffs already.. so that they'll get used to it.. oh well.. let's see then..

a reasonable request is to train.. an unreasonable request is to temper..

Full of surprises..

2008-06-27T00:54:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really don't understand why can people talk only about their love all the time.. the blog.. the photos.. even the msn nick.. it's like.. no life..? i would have gotten tired if it was me.. or maybe this romantic element is not in my blood so i can't appreciate the greatness in it.. ah right.. i would rather call that no vision and no self opinion..

ya i did talked about love in my blog.. but that's not all.. like come on.. love is not the only thing in your life so wake up.. ok i'm making general comments there which is not very ear-friendly.. treat it as i'm throwing tamtrum which i seldom do.. oh well..

you know.. sometimes others just find it amazing how you can do something which is not usually you or even out of your character.. and for once i was so overwhlemed by the reaction of a bunch of girls when i was sitting in front of them watching a movie.. and they were like talking away so happily about how cute the male lead smiled when his character in the movie was an introvert and all..

some of my female classmates too.. telling me that i'm such a quiet person that when they saw me smile or laugh they would be so shocked.. and said "you look so good when you smile".. and when i said i just don't do that very often then they replied "then you should smile more"..

perhaps that's how people deemed something as special.. coz they are rare.. seldom appears and most importantly.. it's lovely..

even with a bad story.. a good story-teller is all it takes..

Feeble mask..

2008-06-24T23:55:00.001+08:00

it's good that you can get someone's well wishes once in a while to help you in everything you do.. it's kinda important.. and probably the best drug in the world.. yea when i say drug it means it's addictive for those who are not as strong-willed.. but well.. you can never underestimate the potential it wields..

i kinda realise that just a few months ago.. to many people it may seem just like a normal thing.. cheering up people and stuff.. but to me it's not.. since i always keep things to myself.. and perhaps it is this reason.. that i don't like to use the sentence "good luck to you" to cheer people up.. i just feel that it is very irresponsible of me to say that to anyone.. and in a way.. i feel that it's just a better way to say that "even if you are successful.. you got that only by luck"..

you can say that i'm thinking too much.. but well.. this is how i feel.. and i know those who said that are just being kind.. so i don't get irritated when people say that to me.. or maybe i'll just reply them in a joking tone like "thanks but i only depend on my own strength".. but i won't say it to others.. coz i believe those who deserve my well wishes can do it without having luck..

maybe i'm too serious about this trivial matter if you may say.. but you have to have a principal of your own to live as yourself.. as what i believed.. this is what develops a character within you.. and thus making you as an individual..

it's not about the posture that you present.. but the aura you emit..

Where's my lucky star..

2008-06-18T00:44:00.003+08:00

you know we all love to do personality tests.. i still remember how i loved to do it in the past.. and i would be so happy to know that the result is so accurate to descibe about me.. if not i would just complain a bit before i go on with what i'm suppose to do..

i just went back to see a personality test website to see my profile which still has my result in it.. and i started to feel that.. doing a personality test is just a way to prove the existence of myself.. i don't know how the hell did that got into me but.. that's quite logical now when i think of it.. especially when i'm a big loner.. oh well..

i feel like changing.. however i don't know how and where to start with.. no one seems to be able to give me a good piece of advice.. or maybe it's just that i trust myself too much to even trust others.. nah.. whatever..

are you tired? coz you've been walking around in my mind for a few days already..

you are left with nothing once you've got everything..

Decoy..

2008-06-16T22:57:00.005+08:00

dance camp is over.. but everything wasn't the same like how it was in the past.. the way we go for it for the first few days and died off the last few days.. the atmopsphere of everyone being involved and get together everyday.. time changed.. i guess attitude changes too.. or maybe it's just me.. coz i keep going out to run errands for godma..

anyway.. i managed to finish the design of booking form poster and that little booklet which i don't know what it's called in five days during the camp.. using my break time.. i'm so proud of it ok.. and now i wonder how the hell did i managed it..

ok the above are just crap.. all i wanna say is.. i simply love her.. for no fucking reason.. here we go again..

do not be deceived by the looks of it.. it's about whether you believe in it or not..

永恒..

2008-06-04T01:16:00.003+08:00

我们心中轻风般的旋律
激动地带着我们前往未知的明天
若将我们的期望缠绕在一起
我又是否能看见那奇迹般向我微笑的那一天

I feel "I need you", I just miss you in my life
千万别掉头
啊~ 握着我的手一起启程
走向那即将在我们面前闪耀的未来

飞吧我的灵魂就在你从悲伤与痛苦中蜕变成温柔之时
别在途中迷失
在我们遇见的那一瞬间你超越了时空
请与我一起照亮天空直到永恒

不断在夜里回响的誓言正迅速地消逝
我的心与两颗交错的星星一起律动
在辽阔的天空下面对你我们的脉搏正在赛跑
在你忍住的泪背后又藏着什么原因

I will never leave you, I want to promise you
千万别忘了
啊~ 你给我勇气向前冲刺
让我们握着它一起翱翔

珍惜让我们在一起的命运
永不丢弃保护亲爱的你的力量
在这时刻我知道了我的弱点我将变得更加坚强
是的直到永恒

embrace your dream..

Joy of living..

2008-06-02T00:16:00.002+08:00

i just got this personality test somewhere.. and it is by far the most accurate test i've taken..

1、你更喜欢吃那种水果？
A、草莓2分 B、苹果3分 C、西瓜 5分 D、菠萝10分 E、橘子 15分
2、你平时休闲经常去的地方
A、郊外2分 B、电影院 3分 C、公园5分 D、商场10分 E、酒吧15分 F、练歌房20分
3、你认为容易吸引你的人是？
A、有才气的人2分 B、依赖你的人3分 C、优雅的人5分 D、善良的人10分 E、性情豪放的人15分
4、如果你可以成为一种动物，你希望自己是哪种？
A、猫2分 B、马 3分 C、大象 5分 D、猴子 10分 E、狗15分 F、狮子 20分
5、天气很热，你更愿意选择什么方式解暑？
A、游泳 5分 B、喝冷饮 10分 C、开空调 15分
6、如果必须与一个你讨厌的动物或昆虫在一起生活，你能容忍哪一个？
A、蛇2分 B、猪 5分 C、老鼠 10分 D、苍蝇15分
7、你喜欢看哪类电影、电视剧？
A、悬疑推理类2分 B、童话神话类 3分C、自然科学类 5分 D、伦理道德类10分 E、战争枪战类 15分
8、以下哪个是你身边必带的物品？
A、打火机 2分 B、口红 2分 C、记事本 3分 D、纸巾 5分 E、手机 10分
9、你出行时喜欢坐什么交通工具？
A、火车 2分 B、自行车 3分 C、汽车 5分 D、飞机 10分 E、步行 15分
10、以下颜色你更喜欢哪种？
A、紫2分 B、黑 3分 C、蓝 5分 D、白 8分 E、黄 12分 F、红 15分
11、下列运动中挑选一个你最喜欢的（不一定擅长）？
A、瑜珈2分 B、自行车 3分 C、乒乓球 5分 D、拳击 8分 E、足球 10 F、蹦极 15分
12、如果你拥有一座别墅，你认为它应当建立在哪里？
A、湖边 2分 B、草原3分 C、海边 5分 D、森林 10分 E、城中区15分
13、你更喜欢以下哪种天气现象？
A、雪 2分 B、风 3分 C、雨 5分 D、雾 10分 E、雷电 15分
14、你希望自己的窗口在一座30层大楼的第几层？
A、七层2分 B、一层 3分 C、二十三层5分 D、十八层 10分 E、三十层 15分
15、你认为自己更喜欢在以下哪一个城市中生活？
A、丽江 1分 B、拉萨 3分 C、昆明 5分 D、西安 8分 E、杭州 10分 F、北京 15 分

180分以上：意志力强，头脑冷静，有较强的领导欲，事业心强，不达目的不罢休。外表和善，内心自傲，对有利于自己的人际关系比较看重，有时显得性格急噪，咄咄逼人，得理不饶人，不利于自己时顽强抗争，不轻易认输。思维理性，对爱情和婚姻的看法很现实，对金钱的欲望一般。
140分至179分：聪明，性格活泼，人缘好，善于交朋友，心机较深。事业心强，渴望成功。思维较理性，崇尚爱情，但当爱情与婚姻发生冲突时会选择有利于自己的婚姻。金钱欲望强烈。
100分至139分：爱幻想，思维较感性，以是否与自己投缘为标准来选择朋友。性格显得较孤傲，有时较急噪，有时优柔寡断。事业心较强，喜欢有创造性的工作，不喜欢按常规办事。性格倔强，言语犀利，不善于妥协。崇尚浪漫的爱情，但想法往往不切合实际。金钱欲望一般。
70分至99分：好奇心强，喜欢冒险，人缘较好。事业心一般，对待工作，随遇而安，善于妥协。善于发现有趣的事情，但耐心较差，敢于冒险，但有时较胆小。渴望浪漫的爱情，但对婚姻的要求比较现实。不善理财。
40分至69分：性情温良，重友谊，性格塌实稳重，但有时也比较狡黠。事业心一般，对本职工作能认真对待，但对自己专业以外事物没有太大兴趣，喜欢有规律的工作和生活，不喜欢冒险，家庭观念强，比较善于理财。
40分以下：散漫，爱玩，富于幻想。聪明机灵，待人热情，爱交朋友，但对朋友没有严格的选择标准。事业心较差，更善于享受生活，意志力和耐心都较差，我行我素。有较好的异性缘，但对爱情不够坚持认真，容易妥协。没有财产观念。

my result is 100 to 139.. and it's so accurate.. especially the word "孤傲".. that's like the best description for me..

the excitement of crossing blades creates a transmission of beliefs..

The revolving stars..

2008-05-30T01:01:00.002+08:00

i really hate it when i'm thinking too much.. coz it leads to having too many options and end up confusing myself.. but i can't do much to it right..? guess i'm at the struggling stage of growing up.. ah well.. nice way of self-consoling..

it really sucks.. when i can't be myself due to circumstances.. and i really think i should give up since i don't know if i can adapt to that kinda world.. but somehow the pain that followed along kinda make me wanna think through my decisioins again..

you know.. when you stab a person.. he probably wouldn't die from it.. but if you took out that knife or whatever it is that you used to stab.. that's it.. i guess this is the best way to describe how i feel now.. it seems like my hopes now are like a thousand arrows all over my body.. i only wish that that person who wields the bow doesn't take them all out at once..

jiafeng you sucker.. you are just confused.. that's it.. no more rubbish from you..

the best dream is when a dream is no longer a dream..

Life abstraction..

2008-05-19T01:51:00.003+08:00

i was being raised up by a very strong mindset of being a great person.. i was taught to be logical.. i was told to never allow myself to do the same mistake twice.. well.. perhaps all those got into me somehow.. that's why i can be the person i am now.. though i can't say that i'm great enough.. but well.. at least i achieve something that is quite difficult for others..

but sometimes i really envy those who have an eventful life.. with all the stupid things around.. and making a joke out of them.. which is gonna be so fun.. compare to that kinda life.. mine seems dead.. too serious.. and too boring..

i was taught that one who doesn't understand the way a "great person" work things out will only say that they have no life.. that they are crazy to be so crazy over something.. and the pickyness is simply unbearable.. these people who can't accept those "great people" are what we called commoners.. coz they don't understand the term "setting a high standard for yourself"..

but what's great of being a great person?.. take for the above as example.. your circle of friends will then be largely decreased.. even your soulmate.. if he or she cannot adapt to your way of living.. lots of problems will occur.. except for the praises you got in the surface.. there're nothing more.. at least i thought so..

know what? my mother simply cannot understand why do i have to go out to dance in noon and come back only in midnight almost everyday.. although she only complains about it once in a while.. but i know this really affects her coz i'm the only one living with her.. only my father is kinda able to understand my situation.. oh well.. what could i say? they got divorced coz of the same reason right..? coz of not being able to compromise with each other..

it's a hard life i'm leading which is too late to turn back.. so i'll lead on with a smile.. better still if i have her smile to give me more drive..

fairytale? it exist only when you believe..

A label from heaven..

2008-05-06T00:06:00.003+08:00

you know.. it's really amazing how big and how small this world is.. a girl who i knew six years ago from an event and later on with no contact with each other at all.. we just met each other on facebook through an international application few days ago.. and we chatted for so long like nobody's business.. like an old friend or something along that line.. great.. finally there is someone who can be my rubbish bin.. =X

i'm so glad that the idea of buying a jigsaw puzzle for her just rush to my mind in an instance.. i'm so glad that she feels motivated.. and i'm so glad that she's getting lotsa inspiration.. oh well.. i'm just glad that i can be of help..

inspiration is like an epiphyllum.. which blooms for just a short moment.. i just found out a poem that i wrote five years back and i totally forgot about it.. luckily i wrote it down and kept it somewhere.. maybe i'll present it here.. haha.. if i'm not wrong this was my first try on writing poems.. when i was deeply down coz my first love decided to leave me..

You came along.. Just like a song..
Brighten up my days which everyone had longed..
But you went away.. Just like a tree sway..
Fading off my memories and none had stayed..

always carry a camera and a notebook.. to capture moments of beauty and sparks of thoughts

Smaller than smallest..

2008-04-08T00:18:00.002+08:00

i felt a sudden urge to blog coz of something just now.. yet i don't know what to write.. hmm..

anyway.. i just bought this book titled "Laziness: The Effortless Wisdom".. i love it so much coz it's so like me.. it talks about everything was created and came from yourself.. for example troubles.. things to be vex or angry about.. unhappiness and and all the negative things and so on.. so the book says.. why not just be lazy for a while.. stop thinking and dwelling in those things for a while.. stop everything that's on your hand.. just go to a park.. lie on the patch of grass.. enjoy what's before your eyes.. enjoy what's coming to your ears.. eventually.. you'll calm down and find out that those troubles don't trouble you anymore..

be happy about everything.. coz unhappiness is only created by none other than yourself.. why are you troubled about not being the first one? coz you wanna be the first one.. why are you vexed that the one you like does not do the things you like.. coz that's what you like.. not the others.. so again.. everything goes back to yourself..

i always tell others to start everything from yourself.. humans need to be selfish sometimes so as to love themselves.. before giving love to the others.. if you can't give love to yourself.. neither can you give love to the others.. and here again.. starts the growth of the root of troubles.. and as always.. it goes back to yourself..

oh man it's such a nice book.. maybe i'll blog more about it when i have time..

lazy is not to laze.. but not to interfere.. it's a doing with no doing.. an effortless wisdom..

Simplicity to complexity..

2008-03-30T23:56:00.002+08:00

just like those days again when nothing motivates me to blog.. not that i'm tired of life.. but nothing new that i learnt.. oh wait.. there is one thing.. that my godma's friend (i wonder.. hmm..) told me that you need not understand what the piece is about for a modern dance.. as long as it sets you thinking after watching it.. that's something interesting..

playing games really help to get you away from depressions.. coz of the way you anticipated in it.. it's really a wonder how a game can help to relief our frustration rather than punching a wall which doesn't help at all and hurt yourself instead..

talking about frustration.. yea well.. there are some which i had for the past one month plus.. but being frustrated about it doesn't help i guess.. it all goes back to 天时地利人合.. which means destiny.. time.. place.. benefit.. target.. and the end product when all the above combined.. it really make sense but sometimes i just feel that i'm using it to console myself for being incompetent.. moodswing i guess.. whatever..

first year is finally coming to an end.. though my result is like &*%&*$&^%*.. oh well.. maybe i'm just not used to how the system works in a dance academy when i've been in a part-time-but-professional dance troupe for five years..

nevertheless.. tomorrow will always be better.. i hope..

the virtue behind is what makes everything goes right..

皎月的倒影

2008-02-23T23:21:00.009+08:00

林中逛落叶乘风过身旁
丝丝思念留在枝头上
道上回过往种种不是心中烫
盼望在我心头脸上笑容胜鸳鸯

往远望皎白明月天上挂
唤起动人回忆在心房
湖中动波浪曲型月影叫人伤
感慨总在事后在身旁高歌一唱

humans compromise.. so as to compensate their nature which is to be the only one..

Plot twist..

2008-02-22T23:55:00.002+08:00

i don't know what's going on.. i felt utterly sad.. yet i feel somewhat happy.. time and again.. why do those whom i care have to go through this kinda thing..? i might not show it on my face.. but i was stunned.. i was surprised.. i was so sad.. i was so disappointed in myself upon hearing what happened.. some kinda mixed feeling happening inside of me..

but coz of this.. the distance seems to get shorter and shorter.. which is.. good in a way.. i don't know how should i feel now.. but anyway.. seeing that she's alive and kicking really brightens up my day.. as i said.. "i wished for nothing but the scenes of the happy you.."

somehow i love the song i'm playing now.. though i don't really know what the hell is she singing.. but the tune kinda caught me.. especially the violin played after the first chorus finished.. i really can feel the chill down my spine.. it's the best evidence that i'm touched..

快歌慢歌，能打动人心的就是好歌

Real or fantasy..

2008-01-26T23:54:00.000+08:00

other than busy.. it's still busy.. man.. i can forget about the upcoming holidays coz of the august performance.. but you know.. i was going back home one day after practise which is like around 11pm to 12am.. and i was walking along the overhead bridge.. it's only then i realise that such a place which i walk pass everyday can be so beautiful at night.. with the big moon hanging high in the sky and stuff.. and i haven't even notice it until now..

we being a human has forced to stuff too many things into our mind.. our body.. and our life.. such that we can't even realise that a simple stroll on an overhead bridge can sometimes be an enjoyment to relax ourself.. and i suddenly thought of my family.. coz i was too concentrate on my work that i've neglected them for quite a while.. perhaps it's time for me slow down my pace and enjoy each pictures of scenery on my road of success..

and an off-topic.. if i say i felt nothing.. that would be a big fat lie.. though i can't lie to myself nor her.. it's good enough if i can see her smile everytime i see her.. i don't wish for much.. just a smile.. will you..?

troubles are found not by others but yourself.. problems are solved not by other but yourself..

Positive Truth..

2007-12-26T00:25:00.000+08:00

i don't like to predict.. nor do i like fortune telling.. but my cute juniors did it for me.. and i felt some what happy.. oh well.. it's the heart that counts i guess.. although i don't know whether they just wanna have fun for doing this or just trying to know something new.. and the result was quite heartening..

however.. the situation i'm in now do now allow me to involve in such thing.. and like for once.. i'm finally on the verge of achieving what i want.. if i could.. i really wish that there'll be no distractions.. but sometimes things just don't go your way ey..? well.. i'll let nature takes its course..

and a contradiction.. like always when this thing happened.. "Ole wa Mai ga suki nanda".. how i wish i can change the name and say this sentence to her.. but not now..

fight for what's yours before claim for what's yours..

Elements of life..

2007-12-09T13:50:00.000+08:00

自投入社会工作以来，深感人与人之间的相处若缺乏沟通，则必不能圆满；因此将个人多年来社会历练和各类书籍心得提供出来给大家作参考，一方面促进彼此间的了解，一方面也期待对整体有所帮助。

我把公司分为三部分：1 人 2 硬体 3 软体。硬体表示有形资产如设备厂房……；软体则为无形资产，如技术、制度、文化……。而其中的人又包含了软体和硬体，硬体即是手脚，软体即是智力。公司三部分又以人最重要，因为硬体是人设计出来，也是人去使用的，设计者无法设计出最佳之软体，则使用者空有高超之使用技术，成果亦有限，因为瓶颈在软体之不良；反之，虽有最佳之软体而使用者不知利用，或不会利用，则亦属枉然。再说，软体也是靠人去建立，但执行不力、运用不佳，则空有软体又何用？所以我认为公司的成败在于人，其他的均可由人来克服，而待人是否得当又足以影响一个人的成败。

公司内人与人的关系可分为非直接上下关系和直接上下关系，先谈某些书所提非直接上下关系人相处的一些观念：

一、温和的去待人，绝不可让火气上来，火气一上来就会失去理智，说出不愿说的话、作出不愿做的事，遇到这种情形，最好是闭住嘴，开始想该如何处理，是请对方稍候呢？或约定下次再谈？是否有更好的理由说服对方？或有没有其他人可协助解决此事？总之一定要冷静，不要使事情恶化下去。

二、尊重对方，在考虑自己的立场下，也去考虑对方的立场，任何人之间的争执往往因立场不同而又不能互相体谅对方的立场，以至争执不能圆满解决。如：在教孩子或弟妹功课时，往往会觉得他们好笨，交了两、三次还是不会，但我们试着回想一下自己的小时候，针对同样的问题不也是一样吗？说不定比他们更笨呐！他们现在的课程比我们那时所学还深得多，我们若没考虑它们的立场，火气一来“饭桶”就脱口而出，结果他们仍然不会，而自己也惹了一肚子气。

三、存着诚心去和对方沟通讨论，不要有先入为主的观念，认为自己一定是对的。一定要让对方的意思完全表示出来，同时也要尽可能把自己的立场、见解说出来，使对方了解，以免双方因了解不够或误解而不能圆满解决事情，解决事情需要讨论而不是争辩。争辩会偏向于情绪化，自卫化而成为义气之争，那么所产生的问题就更严重，甚至难解决了。

再谈上司对待部署的一些观念：

一、大部分的上司都会比部署的能力强（此处所指能力是衡量多方面所得的一种程度）但并不表示样样都比部署强，所以以沟通为重。上司的决定考虑因素让部署充分了解，同时也要有机会让部署提出他们的观点，如此真理越辩越明，假如本身错了，就修正自己的决定，假如部署错了，他们也可因而产生向心力。固然有些事基于特殊理由不能说明，但往往很多上司只因本身之优越感和权威心里而认为沟通是没必要的，其实即使只让部署知道因特殊理由而不能对下沟通，也比不沟通的好，因为人总是希望被尊重的。

二、安排机会让部署表达他们的不满，他们的不满可能因误解或了解不够，但也可能真有问题存在，您了解才能对症下药。如此不但可以加强向心力，同时也可挖掘问题来解决，否则问题恶化下去就麻烦了。

三、有计划训练自己的部署属，培养接班人、单位，所有部署均需训练，但并非人人均能经由训练担任某种职位，毕竟人的素质是有差异的，后天的训练并不能拉平先天的差异（如二人同时训练），所以慎选各级干部之储备人员加以训练是有必要的。除了员工之训练外，各干部之训练列为上司之计划工作，否则面临接班问题时必为上司之头痛时间。公司内找一个普通的干部很容易，但要找一个杰出的干部就有待身为上司的人动脑筋去安排，否则就会出现“蜀中无大将”的感慨了。

再谈部署对待上司的一些观念：

一、主动反映问题和上司讨论、沟通。如果上司不能接受我的意见，我们应从沟通中体谅上司的立场，想“假如我是上司，我会怎么做”，如此也能心平气和了。若上司保有秘密，那也是正常的，人往往都想知道别人的秘密或公司的秘密而不愿去体谅别人的立场。

二、任何问题和上司讨论清楚，以免因了解不够或误解而做错事清。如果上司基于某种理由没说明清楚，应该自己去想上司的意思来定自己的执行方案，征求上司的同意后才去做，毕竟上司是会基于某种理由而无法多作说明的。

上面所谈的是个人从经验和书籍得来的一些心得，期望能抛砖引玉，大家共同为全体的利益贡献出个人的心力，那么公司成为企业集团的远景并非遥不可及了。

above is what my father wrote.. when he had learnt what i'm doing now.. if there's a star for everyone to guide them along their road.. my father must be the moon..

creation is when imagination and reality merged together..

Life after death..

2007-12-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to post.. so i decided to post one of my assignments which is a written report on "Dance as My Career".. i hope it does make a difference.. especially to my fellow troupe members.. not that i'm boasting myself.. but words deep in my heart..

I first started out learning Chinese Dance at the age of 14. Years by years, I started loving it as a part-time dancer because I was still schooling at that time. Until this year, when I found out that the school registering for SYF Chinese Dance Competition dropped from 100 over to 50 plus school. And at the same time, registrations for Modern Dance increased tremendously, and most of them are hip-hop dances because I was there watching.

It is a pathetic trend that shows Singaporeans are neglecting the beauty of Chinese Dance. They are not aware of what a treasure it is which our ancestors left for us, it’s just like many Chinese in Singapore do not appreciate the Chinese Language. There’s an article reporting on which are the dance styles that the teenagers now favored, and most of them chose hip-hop as it is groovy and young, whereas Chinese Dance is more “outdated” and “old-fashioned”. Due to this, The Chinese Dance Association held a “Save Chinese Dance in Singapore” meeting this year and invited all well-known resident Chinese Dancers and Choreographers to this talk.

I had a very good opportunity in June this year to go to China to learn Chinese Ethnic Dance. My teacher in China is very knowledgeable; he knows everything about that particular ethnic dance, including where the people live, how they behave and their beliefs. This is when I decided to choose dance as my career; to focus on Chinese Dance and at the same time, learn other dance styles to expand my vocabulary so as to bring out the beauty of Chinese Dance and to keep improving to match the taste of the modern community.

I was given a chance recently to choreograph a dance, and I was thinking of choreographing a Chinese Contemporary, depicting a waterfall. However, I was being driven back by the fact that my vocabulary is not enough, like elements of Chinese Dance, and also the choreography skill. Unlike the elements of Chinese Dance which I learnt before, no one has ever taught me choreography. Therefore, I was being criticized by my artistic director on my first try, that the movements that I choreographed looks a bit like daily exercise during basic training.

From there, I realized the linkage between dance and real life, the difference between moving and performing. It’s just like capturing moments of familiarity and symbolizations, like several similar poses with a formation which makes the whole thing looks like a flower, especially it’s a scene of nature, so that the audiences knows what are you trying to convey. It’s kind of easy to understand, but a different story when you tried to carry out. So, I changed my idea and choreograph a totally different dance: a Contemporary Chinese Dance Drama, showing one who is having a nightmare. It’s a lot easier for me as I’ve learnt how to build a character in a story before.

To me, dance is an art form which expresses what one wants to express. However, knowing how to dance alone is not enough. You have to be observant during daily life to know the nature of humans and the environments, cinematic skills help too as it often triggers you with some inspiration to make your dance look more 3- dimensional. Sister arts like painting, poetry, music, martial arts are also some of the sources that help you to nurture your artistic senses. Not to mention learning other dance styles to increase your dance vocabulary. All these help to bring more variety and changes to dance, because dance always depicts things that are real and solid, and the world is ever-changing. Dances which did not achieve that failed in choreography, and most of the time, the lack of good dancers.

To sum up, dance has indeed brought me to a new stage of my life, which is to experience life. She also brought me a lot of friends who are just as passionate as me to work hard together. It’s very tough in life to find someone to have the same interests as yourself and to encourage each other during the encounters of difficulty, because only dancers can understand dancers’ pain, as well as joy.

things might not be done the way you decide.. but you decide the way things to be done..

无边无际、无穷无尽

2007-11-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

sometimes i have this feel of power overflowing in me that it is leaking.. it's a very strange feeling.. yet it's almost as if i can own the sky.. even the universe.. it's hard to explain it..

anyway.. yesterday was the preview of our pieces.. i'm kinda glad that everyone is putting in thier utmost effort.. but well.. i guess it's just the beginning so i can't expect too much even for myself.. whatever is the case.. only when you think.. there're dreams.. only when there're dreams.. there're actions.. only when there're actions.. there're successes.. i believe next time we can do better.. and we will..

my dear.. i'm glad that you are happy.. coz my only wish for you is you to be happy.. even though the source of your happiness is not me.. your happiness is what matters most.. so remember.. whatever you do.. you'll have my support.. wherever you go.. you'll have my blessing.. and the most important thing.. be happy and do the things you wanna do..

i may sound like i just had a break up.. but well.. whatever.. think all you want..

when you think that you've lost the reason of living.. alter your thinking..

It's for real..

2007-10-01T21:36:00.000+08:00

sometimes.. somethings are better left unknown.. coz once you know it.. you'll learn that it's so goddamn serious that you don't know what to do to correct it.. or maybe i should say you don't know where to start with..

i'm not sure whether it's just me.. but i finally understood what those harsh words meant after watching the video.. it really sucked.. i sucked.. we sucked.. the whole thing sucked.. to think that i was so drawn into it when i was performing.. and it actually came out that not even i met my standard.. these are not words of regretting.. but to blame myself for not being good enough..

what's more? personal stuffs are getting really annoying.. i wish i could solve that as soon as possible but it looks like it's gonna be delayed for some time.. i feel so damn FUBAR.. feel like telling that person how i feel but i guess that person is busy enough already.. alright.. on my own again..

what's most frightening is that there's no mirror for you to look at yourself..

Curtains..

2007-09-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

i'm getting a bit tired now.. maybe i should take a rest but i think the situation now doesn't allow me to do that.. oh well.. let's see then.. anyway.. i watch this person from taiwan sings.. though he is blind.. he is really putting his heart in it when he is singing the song "you are my eyes".. and it's a really different thing from those idol singer.. now i feel that they don't know what they are singing for..

dance too.. my classmate who are probably interested in joining the troupe ask me whether they get paid for performance.. when i replied no then they go like "huh?".. what i mean is that.. they forgot the true meaning of dancing.. a money-minded artist won't go anywhere far.. you need your heart to learn to dance.. you need your heart to perform.. just like the person i spoken of just now.. he is really using his heart and body to sing.. and the difference is very obvious.. between a passionate artist and a money-minded piece of shit..

anyway.. being a leader is really lonely.. you are all on your own.. when a thing is thrown to you.. you have to get it done to set an example.. when your group members have problems.. you gotta put down whatever you are doing and help them solve it at first hand to keep the thing working.. and when you are doing something the same as your group members.. you have to give it your all so that you are outstanding.. coz in any way.. when the public is going to judge what all of you done.. a leader is sure to and must do better.. coz the word leader already means whoever is assigned the title have more capabilities than the others.. all the more.. a leader can't complain to anyone so to keep the trust and the reliability.. to make it simpler.. it's to keep up the spirits..

that's something random when i suddenly thought of the word leader on the bus.. oh well.. that doesn't mean i'm backing out..

books and references aren't enough.. experience them..

Diamond on the sand..

2007-09-16T01:07:00.000+08:00

long awaited post probably ey..? oh well.. been busy with stuffs.. and i really mean stuffs.. much things had happened from the last time i post.. ups and downs of others as well as myself.. i've learnt that stubborn people who do things stubbornly only end up hurting themselves..

there's a difference of listening to others and being shaken by the others.. you can have your own stands and i definitely agree and support having own stands.. but that doesn't mean you reject all of others comment on you and things you do.. and say that i don't wanna be easily shaken by what other people said.. you've gotta have the abilities to filter the comments and take in the good ones.. plain stubborness of being yourself and only yourself is stupid and dumb.. how could you ever improve yourself like this?

as what i always believed.. there's no good or bad person.. only acceptable and unacceptable person.. take for example a thief.. being a thief is bad as we all know.. but think.. what if the act of stealing is being accepted by humans.. a thief will then be deemed as a good person.. right?

so in order to improve yourself.. most of the things that you do must be acceptable.. coz the word acceptable is given by the others.. not yourself.. and it goes back to what i've said before.. we are living together with the others.. so we cannot only think of ourself and not to consider what others feel.. everyone needs to be accepted.. and everyone has the right to have a chance to be accepted.. coz that's how this world works as we always depends on others to live.. imagine if you have a master in everything but no one is gonna hire you.. coz your behaviour is just unacceptable.. how are you gonna survive?

no one can live alone.. you may say that living on top of the mountain and go hunting everyday is considered as living alone.. but that's wrong.. what do you depend on to live? you need trees to build houses and to set up fire.. you need foods provided by the animals living on the mountain.. isn't that depending on others?

change is needed when there's a need to change.. change comes naturally most of the time.. but firstly.. you have to tell yourself to open up for change.. only then can change comes naturally..

with things you don't like.. you'll find things you like..

蝶恋..

2007-08-24T00:29:00.000+08:00

i can't change the habit of listening to musics.. oh well.. guess i'll live with my fantasy for a long while more.. hmm.. below is something that i wrote base on the tune of the music that i'm playing.. so don't bother to look on the net if you like it.. coz there's no such song.. =P

身在山顶峰望着蓝天空
静静地做我的蝴蝶梦
眼睛曾承诺要一起到白首
至今却全部都变成空

枫叶渐渐的飘落
记忆还残留在我心中
花芙蓉玫瑰红
美不过你真诚眼眸

寒风一嗖嗖吹过
斗不过寂寞给的极冬
江河涌天地崩
缘未尽下辈子再走

爱的真谛是心灵相通..

Eye carving..

2007-08-12T23:32:00.000+08:00

sometimes it's not just me.. but sometimes it's just me.. i feel something fishy is going on.. yet i can't tell.. i wonder if all those words and actions are true.. or it's just normal behaviour.. again.. i shall say the three forbidden words.. i don't know..

i'm not worrying.. but i'm just thinking.. how good it will be if it comes true.. yet i don't feel the urge.. contradict.. something that i haven't been doing for a long time.. is it a sign to tell me that i should get serious? or is it just a symptom showing that i've grown weak?

i've always adore musics than songs.. coz musics have much more freedom in imaginations and feelings.. to be simpler.. they make you live in your own world.. but i guess i should stop it soon.. it's time to listen to some songs that describes all of reality.. maybe then i'll find my answer.. to those intersections of the available paths..

things go complicated when you do not have confidence.. do not dare to make another step.. and most importantly.. do not even know what is going on.. how i wished i've had a place.. so to end my days in the whirl pool.. unknowing of the direction..

logical mind does not work anymore when people are confused..

Beliefs..

2007-08-10T01:40:00.000+08:00

i seriously hope she will understand.. coz that would do her good in communications with others and her characteristic.. as i said.. we live in a world where other people are living in it too.. we have to think about others on how they feel before saying or doing anything.. that's the only way to be accepted by others..

anyway.. i saw this advertisment on this "hook that can be stick onto the wall" or whatever it is.. having this sentence.. "Holds on strongly. Comes off cleanly.".. oh wow.. that's just so strong for only six words.. if only they could be applied to life ey..? just too bad life is not just a "hook that can be stick onto the wall"..

although life is not just that simple.. we should always make it as happy as we could.. and cherish those you have.. do whatever you can to help.. achieve whatever you can dream of.. to be honest.. life is too short.. don't yearn for the past.. don't predict for the future.. instead of living in what is gone and worrying for what is coming.. we should always settle ourselves.. our heart.. and live to the fullest for our everyday..

just a gentle touch from the finger tips.. we can feel love everywhere..

Buttons of possibilities..

2007-08-04T01:41:00.000+08:00

second week has passed since i enrolled into NAFA.. oh well.. time seems to pass rather quick.. maybe it's coz i don't get to look at the time very often.. anyway.. it's kinda a good experience over there..

it's very courageous and brave of someone to do what he or she wants coz that thing that he or she wanted might not be able to be accepted by everyone.. i'm a very lucky person who has got some people's support and therefore it went on smoothly i would say.. i just met an incidence in which my junior says she does not wanna study in school anymore.. that may sound absurd but i talked to her and heard what she had planned..

everyone should be given a chance to try to live their life.. may it be tough or simple.. as long as he or she has planned.. i guess it isn't of a big deal to free yourself from the life style that the government or the society gives you.. whatever it is.. we beg for no regrets.. live yourself.. be confident.. and you can still touch the skies like everyone does..

from a dark corner.. we see big bright sky.. but from big bright sky.. we see small black dot..

风筝

2007-07-25T21:54:00.000+08:00

问我在哪里
我就在这里
到底在哪里
在这宽阔的草地

回忆过去的点点滴滴
放着风筝奔驰的情景
想要忘了你
好可惜望着天空就想起你

风筝飞呀飞~
飞过幸福的边界
你走得好远
那条线依然在我指间

看它飞呀飞~
穿过云朵尝到那风味
没你在身边
自不自由又何谓

fate and destiny create you.. you create chances.. chances create success..

Will the kite fly..?

2007-07-18T22:01:00.000+08:00

been sleeping super early and woke up hell earlier than ever.. and now i'm sick.. blame myself for not taking good care of my body.. felt super terrible with the damn block nose and the flames in my throat.. it sucks totally..

still.. nothing is motivating me to blog.. however i guess i'll just write something here to kill my boredom.. you know.. knowing how to blog is really a big knowledge.. coz in any way.. blog is not exactly a diary which you can pour everything in.. coz you wouldn't wanna write something that is not suppose to be known by the others.. especially if it can hurt others.. so how to write them down without anybody noticing it? big question isn't it..

indeed.. you may not change the way you blog.. you may think that it is your own and you can do anything to it.. but we are living in the world where there are others living with us too.. we have to think about others before we do anything.. coz as long as it involves others.. it concerns others as well..

same thing to be a human.. you need not change for the others coz of what other people dislike or disapprove of you.. although there are people who will accept the way you are.. think in another way.. change for yourself so that the others are happy.. and you are happy too.. as i said.. we are living in a world where there are others living with us too.. be considerate to the others.. it's just like you can't kill people in your house just coz that house is yours and you can do everything that you wanna do..

warmth comes from words and actions with sincerity..

Looping highway..

2007-07-10T01:32:00.001+08:00

time to update it.. nothing is motivating me to blog.. oh well.. i guess simple life does have its disadvantages.. oh wait.. i do have some exciting part to tell.. but guess i won't saying out here since it's something personal..

sometimes i really wonder.. why is it that we can't treat our love ones the same as our friends.. i mean the way we talk.. the way we behave.. the way we are retricted to what we wanna say.. i know there are sure to be differences.. but you get what i mean right? the words just won't come out even if we want to..

but anyway.. i'm just wondering.. don't get the wrong idea that i'm in love.. i've got no time for that stuff for now.. unless i'm sure she's the one for me.. but hell.. who can stand my demands for being my girlfriend? whatever..

lots of things going through my mind.. although it's not swirling.. but i think i'll get dizzy soon.. haha.. alright.. some randomness.. please forgive me..

it's not hard being a human.. but it's hard to think how to be a human..

Numbers..

2007-06-29T13:24:00.000+08:00

i finally impressed my traditional.. stubborn.. yet understanding father.. do you know how hard it is to convince him? he's got all the qualities that the society needs.. he thinks in all direction and aim for zero error.. and yet i'm able to convince him.. this is such an accomplishment in the history of me..

however i feel useless too.. the main reason for me to make this decision is coz i wanna show that i'm old enough to support myself.. yet they found a better solution which is getting the help from others.. although it seems the same for them.. it defeats my purpose of changing.. oh well.. nevermind.. at least i fulfilled my other reasons for the change..

i began to feel that it's wrong of me to always go back.. now they are treating me like some person with the utmost power in there and the one who makes every decision.. like what's wrong with them? i'm only there to help.. they did something wrong.. i correct them.. they did something not to satisfactory.. i pin point them.. they are suppose to do something.. i remind them.. but definitely not doing everything for them.. like what? riverside chinese dance troupe is mine? definitely not.. it's yours and only yours.. you are suppose to make it shine while i'm the one guiding you..

i'm not pushing all the responsibilities to all of you.. but that attitude of yours towards me and the troupe is totally wrong.. so wrong that it's out of track.. i bet there's none other cases like this except us.. but not to blame.. i've never agreed to let a bunch of young girls who only know how to play and enjoy themselves to guide the troupe.. my fault.. perhaps they are right.. those who are from riverside are problematic.. including me..

to make it simpler.. i'm like the 10 dollar note and they are the 1 dollar 50 cents and 10 cents coins.. what's the difference.. i know more than them and is capable to do more things.. but i alone is not enough.. only together.. we can then buy things with higher value.. be it 40 dollars or even 50 dollars..

the older ones wish the younger ones to be more mature.. ironically.. the younger ones wish the older ones to be more understanding..

Rising stock..

2007-06-09T16:47:00.000+08:00

alright.. just one last post before i leave for china.. was thinking about it just now on the way back from taking the photo for the teaching cert for jazz..

everyone is different.. as we all know.. so everyone has a different worth of living.. some people like to be praised.. some people like to do what they like.. some people like to be on top of everyone.. and some people like to be bullied.. the last one may sound crap.. but think.. if your good friend who plays with you by bullying you change his attitude towards you.. what will you feel? uneasy.. worried.. why? coz you are afraid that he is starting to ignore or even hate you.. then you lost a good friend..

bullying might not seem to be good for outsiders.. but sometimes it becomes a way to communicate or even bond the relationship much stronger than just talk your heart out.. it all matters with how you treat the bullying as.. and no matter what it is.. you should always be careful with the change of attitude of others towards you.. coz most of the time.. the answer is negative..

to get along with anyone.. first find out what is the worth of living of them.. if they wants attention.. give it to them.. if they wants to be praised.. give it to them.. or the easiest.. if they just want you to lend your ears.. just do it.. best friends come with how much worth of living can you give them..

it's always useful to compare the younger ones with the younger you..

Stationary station..

2007-06-09T01:00:00.000+08:00

it's time.. for me not to interfere anymore.. i should get used to it.. there's bound to be something like that happening.. to the one i care.. or should i make a very general statement.. girls are all like that.. i don't blame and hate them for being sensitive or anything.. but sometimes it's just unbearable.. it's time to let them decide on what to do rather than i.. who has got nothing to do with it to be a busybody.. unless they need me.. yea.. that should be the way..

reading a cheerful girl's bio really helps.. especially when she has her dreams to achieve.. the way she wants to work towards it is just like kids making their dreams.. nevertheless.. i'm very motivated by it.. thank you jia zhen.. you brighten up my day.. and let's find a time and improve on our partner dance someday.. haha.. =)

reality is cruel.. however it makes you stronger.. and whenever you look back on what you've overcome.. it's always an accomplishment.. you can never cross a river twice.. but you can look back at it for a thousand times.. what has happened to you will never leave you.. you may choose not to look at it for some reason.. but it will stay in a corner.. until you unintentionally recalled and finally wanna take a good look at it.. and smile as well as appreciating the goods and bads.. life is a journey? no.. i'd rather say it's more than just a journey..

it's not hard to believe in others.. as long as you believe in yourself..

Simple appeciation..

2007-06-07T17:33:00.000+08:00

"it's so unfair lo".. "what you did to us is very unfair you know..?".. unfair.. that's the word that i always hear.. and well.. i don't blame them for feeling unfair.. coz they obviously are too young to even understand the cause and meaning of unfair..

but before everything.. i think we have to ask ourself why must we be so sensitive and fussy towards certain thing before feeling that it is unfair.. is that issue worth the time to be angry.. to be fussy about? of coz.. if the reason is about maintain your stupid face.. then i guess there's no reason for me or even we being unfair to you.. coz that's how we were taught.. that's how we were brought up.. if you think it's unfair.. then it will also be unfair for us to treat you "fairly"..

so what's the point of arguing over fair and unfair? it's like a never ending circle.. always going back to the beginning once it begins.. everyone will be treated the same way.. and that way is the so called unfair treatment.. only when everyone is unfairly treated.. fairness will be present.. simple as it is..

only coffee without sugar.. can maintain its original taste..

Lively life..

2007-06-04T00:09:00.000+08:00

alright.. the pressure is coming to me already.. to think that i spend so much time on those and they are called "有点像基训".. kinda disheartening.. but oh well.. i hope things will become better after i've come back from china.. hmm.. there's too much to say but whatever it is.. i'll maintain my confidence.. that's the only thing i'm capable of..

on the brighter note.. i'm so relieved that a quarter of it is almost done.. oh well.. what i mean almost done is that it's not really to my expectation yet.. so stuffs will be sure to change very often.. most probably i'll get it done by september to october.. and do some perfection here and there for the rest of the time..

am i too bias or what..? i don't feel that they have a bad attitude.. they are just playful sometimes and need some reminder.. or perhaps i'm too lenient with them.. hmm.. maybe i should work on that more often then just continue with what i'm doing.. dealing with humans is always troublesome.. zZz..

though i don't know what's the content.. but my mum seems happy after talking to godma.. oh well.. as long as she don't give me that irritated face she can do whatever she wants.. and i feel so peaceful coz my mind is not full of that goddamn love anymore.. oh my god that is so random..

keep your best and work on the others.. that's how success come about..

So lame..

2007-05-27T00:49:00.000+08:00

sometimes i really wonder.. if i'm really that old and experience enough to see through the reason behind.. am i really used to it..? or am i just numb to feel anything.. people always thought they are mature enough.. however when they grow older and look back at themselves.. they'll laugh at their childish acts.. and i'm going through it right now..

i really should concentrate on some serious big business.. but well.. although that doesn't seems to be strong now compared to the past.. somethig immaterial still diverts my attention.. i've been stepping back again and again.. but for every step i step back.. the fact is always one step behind my foot..

whatever it is.. i don't think i'll do anything to improve the situation.. i have no time.. no intention.. and most importantly.. no confidence for that.. for now..

and so.. now they are having this conflict over the net.. seriously.. they are just wasting time with all the updates here and there.. not only wasting my time.. as well as those who is really of help to the event.. don't know la.. oh anyway.. despite all the complaints and stuff.. i still love my life.. =P

nothing is going to be changed.. if nothing is being done..

Fated fate..

2007-05-23T00:23:00.000+08:00

alright.. just came back from WDA meeting.. at last they did something that satisfy the term "meeting".. and it's quite nice of them to put me under the volunteer package which can access to any programme free of charge.. but too bad i won't be free on those days.. no one is accompanying me either..

next week is the dance camp.. hope it turn out well.. and also let's hope what she said will not come true coz i've done what i can to prevent that.. so it's really up to the parents whether they are to look at the numbers with bigger fonts or the numbers with small fonts.. but whatever it is.. let's hope it's gonna be enjoyable.. without any accidents or something that is unexpected..

had a good chat with her today.. or rather i've spent a long time with her.. it's been so long since i felt i have a sister looking after me.. it's a very nice feeling.. however i cannot dwell in it for too long.. if not i'm gonna be dependant again like what happened when i first came to singapore.. everywhere i go i'm always the biggest.. be it among my cousins or my classmates.. and that really sucks coz i used to be the smallest in the family.. being held so carefully on the palm and all that.. but oh well.. that's all in the past that is dreadful but a good experience.. i love my life..

things will always become the opposite when it's at its extreme..

Yet another stage..

2007-05-16T22:40:00.000+08:00

oh great.. blogger finally fixed that xml code.. been wanting to post but disgusted by the error codes.. ok anyway.. been starting on choreographing my very first dance.. hmm.. though thinking of moves is really frustrating especially when you do not wish to repeat the same thing over and over again.. but it's still kinda fun.. and i'm really expecting something big after the performance on 2 december..

being a leader is no fun.. lucky i know a bit of everything that everyone else is doing.. if not it's gonna be shit.. hmm.. i wonder if this is part of the reason that she ask me to do the website.. oh well.. no point thinking about it if i'm not going to spend time on finding the answer..

school is relaxing.. i guess it's only the first half of the year.. or probably i'm used to it already.. then that will be great.. oh ya.. 10 june i'm going to china.. maybe i'll try to stock some music for selection.. oh man.. so much things coming up.. however i'm looking forward to them.. so i guess that's what they called "positive thinking"..

when you've realise.. reality is not cruel and stress to you anymore..

Lone wolf..

2007-05-08T00:20:00.000+08:00

the website is driving me nuts.. the guy i'm pairing up with isn't sending me anything that he has done or rather he is suppose to do.. tried contacting him and he didn't even replied me once.. goddamnit la.. what kinda organisation is this? all you do is just giving orders without helping out at all except for some of them.. and i really mean some..

and now it reminds me of the thing happened on sunday where the people from SHHK dance troupe are having a meeting about a project and i was appointed to be the leader of the troupe.. oh well.. personally i don't feel any dislike towards this.. in fact i think this thing is going on and the result is just as what godma thought it would be.. but i guess some are just scared of taking up respoinsibilities.. and ya.. since this is just so new to all of us so i'm not surprised that they are unprepared of the whole thing..

yea.. so no matter what happened.. i will never let the troupe be as disorganised as that organisation.. suck it up man.. they all have to be more passionate so that it motivates them to work as a group in that non-profit organisation la.. so damn angry over this..

everyone is different.. that's why the argument..

Branches..

2007-05-02T22:01:00.000+08:00

woot.. finally had my desktop in function.. it'd been spoiled since a year ago.. i can finally enjoy the moments of having my msn and media player on while doing my project at the same time.. since the programs i'm using are memory suckers..

today is the first time i was told to choreograph half of a dance all by myself.. since mr chong has choreographed half of it.. but well.. due to the fact that i performed this dance like years ago.. there's not much change in the formation and moves except for the parts that i forgot.. which is like near to half of it.. haha.. anyway.. it's kinda great though.. i can finally do something that is free of restriction.. just let my wild imagination set off and there.. i've got something..

assignments yet again.. oh man.. i started to hate to think about stories.. it's just.. troublesome.. having to do this and that just to write a script.. that just sucks.. oh well.. at least there's some shooting of scenes and actings to do.. that's something to look forward to..

i guess praising sometimes really does wonders.. maybe i should do that more often to the others.. hmm.. oh well.. let's see..

to recognize a person is the same as adding worth in him..

Sunset in east..

2007-04-25T22:39:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to write actually.. but since i have nothing to do anyway.. or maybe i should say i'm too lazy to do anything.. been thinking about the past.. along with listening to the music i'm playing currently.. that does bring back lotsa memories.. dreaded memories that i called them in the past.. but now.. it seems like they are just part of me.. i guess that's what the adults called "love your experiences" when i heard it in the past..

my life seems to be boring.. it's about the same thing everyday.. but it's weird that i do not feel so.. oh well.. i guess it really makes a difference as long as you put the heart in it.. and i feel so indecisive towards certain thing.. or perhaps i'm just scared.. scared of repeating histories.. it's no wonder why people can never understand me.. coz i don't understand myself at times..

sometimes.. i do ask the heaven what wrong have i done to be tortured like this.. but i guess i'm just trying to convince myself that i'm not in the wrong.. which in fact it is.. how am i gonna protect the others when i can't even take care of myself.. oh i need a break.. perhaps going to china with godma in june will be a good idea..

hmm.. so even the hardest surface has a soft core.. haha.. oh well.. ironic things do happen very often.. things do not always go your way.. i should stop imagining things.. but hell.. as if i could help it at all.. it's just like a thread.. going on and on.. and when i finally realise that i'm thinking too much.. it's over.. just one step too late..

alright.. enough of dwelling in the past.. i should be deal with something complicated now.. or maybe it was just me who makes it so complicated.. nah.. it's hard to deal with humans.. whatever..

through imaginations and indecisiveness.. simple things turns to be complicated..

Ticking clock..

2007-04-23T22:57:00.000+08:00

i pon my lesson today once again.. oh my.. i really should stop doing that so often.. if not my lecturer is gonna kill me.. went to watch the moden dance syf this morning.. i feel so damn FUBAR.. meaning Fucked Up Beyond All Recognision.. coz the dances are so sucky.. but there's some nice one though.. or maybe modern dance is just not to my taste?

and so anyway.. our modern dancers did relatively well.. except for some messy parts and the groove that they are lacking.. oh well.. it's not entirely their fault anyway.. as i said to many of my friends.. teacher in-charge plays a part too.. how can they achieve good results if the teacher in-charge is not supportive?

so that's how i passed my morning.. was rushing for WDA website in the afternoon for the meeting later at night.. and it turns out quite nice even though it's just a dummy.. and Ms Pee.. the one who wanted to meet up with me brought her god daughter along to write minutes for the meeting.. and oh my god.. her voice is so sexy.. totally doesn't match how she looked.. the innocent and cute kinda girl.. but i think she's bigger than me anyway.. oh well.. see it once.. enjoy and forget.. that's how a freelance should do..

when two unparallel thoughts meet.. there comes the true frienship..

The emission of aura..

2007-04-18T19:00:00.000+08:00

today went to hear the result for syf.. haha.. it's kinda fun actually.. and i learnt a lot too.. about how human thirst for a recognision.. and when that thirst becomes overly excessive.. it becomes lust.. but well.. i think those adults should learn to know their abilities as in their dance items before complaining about the results.. i supposed what one of the judges said was right.. we have to be mentally prepared for all the outcomes.. for everything in the world is uncertain and indefinite.. if you can never get this into your head.. man.. your life is gonna be so damn depressing..

oh ya.. edmund gave me this paper writing a speech for all our dancers.. and asked me to post it.. here it goes..

Do not thank us. instead, we have to thank you all... for as much as it is your dream to do well, it is ours as well.
What we have done for you is not noble, nor is it exceptional.
You might not see it but you mae it on your own

Your tears, your sweat, your hard work.
That's what has paid off...

therefore, what we have done for you is insignificant compared to what you have done for yourselves.
Yesterday, on that stage, we knew and we saw that you truly believed in what you were doing, that you truly believed in yourselves.

That's something no one could have ever taught you.
You learnt it yourselves...

So from here on, remember that everytime you take to the stage. you are more beautiful and more powerful,
larger than anything you ever thought you could be.
that feeling is the ultimate pride, joy, and glory, and it is yours for the taking.

Shine for the world to see...

Even though there might be fear in you, do not back down... cos only through fear, can there be courage.
So shine because you want to, shine like you can't help it at all, shine because this is what passion means.

Shine because you can...

Let this then be inspiration, in no matter what you do, for times when you feel you can no longer hold on, for when your darkest hours strike... Remember how it feels to be a dancer, what it means to be a dancer, and let that shed you light.

After all, life is a dance: from one stage to the next...

" We dance for laughter,
we dance for tears.
We dance for madness,
we dance for fears.
We dance for hopes,
we dance for screams.
We are the dancers,
we create dreams..."

well.. he's right.. and he really voice out my heart.. but remember.. some of our juniors are english idiots.. so next time you may wanna use some simple english structure to express yourself.. nevertheless.. we do love you guys and girls.. we love our instructor: Mdm Lim Moi Kim.. we love our teacher in-charge: Mdm Leow and Miss Christine.. and most of all.. we love RSS Chinese Dance Troupe.. right bud? oh well.. that's about it for the touching part.. it's so not like me at all.. zZz..

dancers don't live for fames.. they live to perform.. they live to leave impression..

Fallen leaf on a flowing river..

2007-04-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

been talking about dance lately.. let's talk something about me shall we? oh well.. yesterday morning had headache when i'm getting up from bed.. guess i'm too tired.. mentally.. and i wouldn't need to say why coz it's about dance again.. so i'll skip that part..

on friday i really felt worthless.. oh well.. not gonna state why here in case i got sued or something.. in case i irritated someone.. forbidding myself from getting into troubles.. and to prevent our relationship to vanish coz of my harsh act.. oh well.. heard something from a person.. i guess i'll treat that as junk news.. but if he ever step onto my tail with his attitude problems.. i'm not gonna hold back.. even though that person is behind his back.. he is gonna be sorry for getting on my head..

i guess for now.. i just have to keep reminding myself of what my role is.. if not i'll be doing that kinda thing again.. which is kinda hard ey.. oh well.. who is in the right mind when it comes to relationship? i guess i just have to try my best..

once a chance is gone.. it's gone.. pray for the next one or give up..

A cappella relation..

2007-04-09T20:52:00.000+08:00

it's the last week before they had their grand finals.. i've done all i can.. now it's up to them.. and tomorrow i will be going over to modern dance and give them lectures.. if not that ruiling's gonna cry to me again that she don't know what to do anymore.. and sorry if the sentence hurts your pride..

after this i'm done with riverside and other schools.. or should i say i'm done with handling syf.. it's time to get my focus back on schooling.. and wow.. that totally doesn't sound like me.. oh well.. it doesn't hurt to go back and see them once in a while right? like what my mate said.. they gives us motivation and washes off our troubles.. although most of my troubles lies on them during this period.. haha.. but that's not the main point..

i think i need to package myself once more.. and that would mean spending money.. zzz.. i'm kinda broke now.. oh well.. maybe go teach dance in riverside on tuesday and wednesday morning would be a good choice.. since i'm like "wtf.. there's no lesson until afternoon?".. and damn.. that defeats the purpose of going back to see them once in a while.. but well.. this is my fate i guess.. so hard to get rid of those kidos..

some people do not belong to anyone.. they are what we called the sacrificer..

Undying flames..

2007-04-04T02:25:00.000+08:00

we all will go through the same thing.. we all will have the same experience.. we all will face the same obstacles.. and we all will overcome the same problems.. for my fellow juniors.. and my dance mates..

we all dedicated ourselves to dance.. it's the most time consuming kind of art.. most of all.. it's not free-lance where you can just paint a painting whenever you like.. for it is time consuming.. we lost our life.. how we lead it in the past.. the time when we spent on our friends.. the time when we spent on day dreaming.. the time when we spent on playing games.. and the time when we wasted our life away..

we lost our friends.. our relatives.. our love.. even our families.. coz we simply have no time for them.. however.. it is all worth while.. coz we sacrificed them for the sake of dance.. for the sake of our passion.. for the sake of our short moment of being a bright star on the stage.. and when they see a star with a familiar face.. they'll be happy for us.. they'll feel the joy with us.. and they'll understand more about us.. about how much we wanted to be dedicated in dance..

we being a passionate dancer.. will not give up on dance no matter how hard it is.. even though we have to juggle dance between any other things.. that's how hard.. and how great to be a dedicated dancer.. dance is cruel.. however.. it's kind too.. for bringing you all the glory you can have in the world as you've shown that you have the artistic elements in you.. not in your hands.. not in your brain.. but in you.. the whole of you.. and everything of you..

for my juniors who are having their Syf a week later.. do not be afraid of losing.. in fact.. be afraid of gaining.. coz you'll show everyone you're so great that they are unreachable for you.. i have faith in all of you and of coz.. i'll be there to guide whenever i'm needed..

for my dance mates who are having shit with their school works and stuff.. i'm having shit too.. in fact i gotta repeat four modules and three of them are year-long.. but hell.. who's gonna care? i don't care.. i'm still into dance even though my parents objected to it.. and i'm gonna prove them wrong by saying study hard now is my everything.. oh well.. let's just live with it.. and stay by dance always..

true beauty of art is about holding on to it even though you can't..

Star lines..

2007-04-02T00:09:00.000+08:00

i finally can get on time for dance today.. busied with school stuff.. suffocating already.. and there i was thinking that it won't be very enjoyable since i missed alot of lessons.. so i'll have lots to catch up.. but well.. it turns out not that bad.. probably is coz i'm excused so they didn't go strict on me..

i'm seriously thought of going to be lame tomorrow.. literally.. to break free from all that is around me.. but i guess i have more important stuff to do ey? something like guiding them through their SYF.. repaying my debts to godmother.. and to really take care of those little girls especially my dear baby szeling from getting hurt.. i'm big enough to not be selfish anymore.. and i'll uphold that until the time comes..

oh well.. seems like i found my goals to work on..

learn with what you have.. learn with what you are..